Two weeks later

Just pretend like we're all in a cuckoo clock, and it's ten, so the doors are opening and we're coming out. This is not actually a balcony. It's just a railing with some bars you can stand on, sort of scary. Unfortunately, Jackie was asleep that day. We had such a fun time at Wim's house! He planned out all our meals so we didn't have to go out, and had stuff for us to do while we were there, and beds for everyone. Good job. At my house, there's only one mattress. I don't even have air mattresses. I do have a decent couch, though.

I had two births today. Both of them did great, although the epidurals were less than satisfactory and we had to keep calling the anesthesiologist to come back. If you make the decision to have an epidural, you shouldn't be crying. Your pain should be minimal. That's how I feel about it, anyway. Linda and one of her roommates came over for dinner tonight, I made pesto, and she told me about school. And I opened some birthday presents. Did you ever know that? My birthday is Saturday. I'm going to be 25.
Here's another picture of all of us. I know what you're thinking: where's Steph? Well, guys, that's what I was thinking too. I didn't realize I was all twisted.

This weekend I'm leaving again, for Dawn's wedding in Charleston. Who wants to come with? There's going to be dancing! Do you know, I don't think I've danced at a wedding since the Wykoffs. Not that long ago actually...two years.

For my birthday Linda gave me a big framed picture of some houses on the water in Charleston. It looks good in my living room. She also gave me a fancy vase, and some matching plates and mugs. I don't really have many dishes, so that's helpful. Now when you come over I can feed you. Listen, that is all for now, I have to get up early so I can round on those patients who delivered today before work. Send me a text message on my birthday if you remember- I like those.

remembering this makes me laugh out loud

On Wednesday I was doing a 6 week postpartum visit when I noticed a rather large mole on my patient. I forgot the word for freckle, or mole, so I asked her about the lentil on her neck instead. I don't know why that word was in my head, but I like it. Lenteja!

A record today, guys! 3 births! I've been up since 3:45.

Laura Star stopped by tonight, that nice girl.

This weekend I'm going to Nashvegas, so I'll have some good pictures next time I post. Of those St. Louis types.

More photos

London Bridge

This is who I spent my last day off with. Nicky and James. I'm glad they're finally back from Washington.

Well so far today I've had 3 births. The doctor doesn't even put his gloves on anymore, he just stands there and watches me. I smell like latex. I did two repairs. The second one made me all sweaty and frustrated, and the patient asked me if it was my first time.

I joined Netflix again, because I was starting to go to the claustro-in-the-Kroger Blockbuster, and it's like $4.75 per movie there. Not that I'm becoming a slug that sits on the couch and watches movies every day. I'm still reading a lot and going to the wrong classes at the gym. They have these new things called BOSU balls there, that are like exercise balls chopped in half. You are supposed to step up on them and try to balance, etc. At one point we lined them all up and jumped from one to another while the instructor cheered, and that is when I felt ridiculous. This one instructor who I keep getting, the one who thinks 16 reps is an acceptable number of times to repeat an action, she always uses the same music. Her tape includes that song about "working at the car wash" and "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Fabulous.

The people who live across the street from me are cleaning out their car every other day now, like with a vacuum cleaner. I wonder what they spill in there.















I also hung out with these girls last week on my day off. We went to Olive Garden, because I like that place. The waiter had struggles with everything...bringing water (Laura's a camel), getting enough silverware, bringing the right food. These old roommate types are all going to be in a triathlon on Sunday! They didn't try very hard to talk me into participating, don't worry.

I still like my cats, even though they knock over my plants.
Today I tried to get my patient up out of bed so she could go to the bathroom and the nurse said that was not allowed, because she was on pitocin. I don't think that actually makes any sense. She was only like 6 cm, it's not like the baby was going to come out right then. Anyways the nurse said I would have to write an order if I wanted her out of bed. I didn't feel like making a big deal out of it today, but I will someday, that is so ridiculous.

Later I tried to feed one of my patients and that was vetoed as well, this time by the doctor. The reasoning behind that is, they might end up with an emergency cesarean and be under general anesthesia, and vomit up their stomach contents, then inhale them into their lungs. Then you could get a weird pneumonia and die.

Right. So next time you're hungry in labor, send your husband out for something and don't ask permission. I've said that stuff here before. I think 3 months into a job on temporary hospital privileges is probably too early to start throwing my weight around.

Well, Linda's coming back for more college in a few weeks! That's exciting, another person to hang out with. I don't feel very interesting lately. At night I dream about work, about being in situations where I neglect my responsibilities...like, my pager goes off, and I never hear it, or I've got a patient in labor, and I forget about her. Have I told you about the scrubs I wear? They have snaps. It's easy to get out of practice with snaps as an adult, so it's a good thing.

I got better books from the library this time, guys. I got a John Grisham, Amy Tan, Agatha Christie, and P.G. Wodehouse, who is my favorite.

Anyways, if you were to come visit me, I would make macaroni and cheese and we could sit here with my aggressive un-neutered cats and talk about all the people who are stuck in the airport in London.

Thursday.

I had another birth today, a slow-moving induction that started at 8 and finished around 7. I was back and forth between the hospital and my house all day, and since she had like 12 people there to support her, I wasn't much needed in that capacity. I made a couple of independent decisions that felt like a big deal but actually weren't, but okay, good practice, right? So when the nurse paged me and told me that there was a lot of molding and a few variables, I decided not to go in to the hospital, and when the heart rate was dropping with each contraction I told her to stop the pitocin.

It was a great hot day, and I made myself a brilliant lunch. A big salami sandwich and potato salad and chips and sweet tea...I didn't even need dinner.

When I got home from the birth I called this guy, Alfred, who is supposed to introduce me to a young adults group that meets a couple of times a week in town. A man at church gave me his number. It was brave of me.

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to clean my apartment. Don't try to talk me out of it. It's GOING to happen. Then tomorrow night I'm going to a good-bye dinner for Liz & Todd, which'll be cool. I'm excited---I'm off call all weekend long. But I'm on tonight and I have rounds in the morning so I have to sleep now. I've been getting loads of sleep, it's been nice. At work they are putting my diploma on the wall.

Shirley, the vampire.

Hi Ben H! I just read your blog. I didn't know you had one either. Welp, that's a conversation-stopper.

Yesterday morning at 5:30 I got called in for a birth. An hour and a half later I was back home getting ready. I ate a bowl of cereal, then I got in the shower and threw it all up and thought about not going to work. But I went in anyway, and it was okay. After work I went to the gym and did this "Total Body Conditioning" class that made me die. It was me and 3 other old people who were much more in shape than I, and we hopped and punched and kicked and jumped and looked worse than ridiculous. Let me tell you, doing something sixteen times in a row, really sucks, and so does weight-lifting. Afterwards I felt all melted, like a puddle. After I got home, a nurse from labor & delivery called and said there was a decreased fetal movement patient for me, so I went all sweaty and wearing "Soddy Daisy Wrestling" shorts...and handled the whole thing by myself! It was great. TCD (the doctor I work with) didn't need to come in at all. I felt like a success.

Today has been good too. I wore earrings and makeup and I did rounds on that patient from yesterday before going to the office, and then they ordered lunch for us so I didn't have to eat a gross frozen dinner. Wednesdays are usually the busiest days, and some women waited an hour to be seen. I didn't miss any of my blood draws...I'm getting better. Do you know, there's nurse in this town named Shirley or Shelby or something who is reknown for her blood-drawing skills. She works at the outpatient lab and that's where you send people who you can't stick on your own. After work I got a phone call from a friend who I haven't seen since high school, she told me all about her life now. It's a lot different from mine. She is married to a guy who is off working for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, and she spends all day taking care of her 1 year old. The town she lives in is so small, it doesn't even have a Wal-Mart.

At our Wal-Mart the other day I ran into divorced guy again. The first thing he said to me was, "I don't want you to think I'm following you or anything!" and then he told me a lot of stuff about why he was getting divorced, and his class that he's required to take. It was sort of inapproriate, I'm realizing now. Um, yeah.

I miss my friend Nicky. She needs to come home from stupid Washington already.

One of the books I started has a heroine named Nazneen. I think that's really going to be a struggle for me. Try to think of an uglier combination of letters...I can't.

chicken pot pie

Okay, so I got internet in my apartment today. Wireless and unsecured. I'm sure my neighbors love me. Brilliant.

The bigger news, though, is that as of yesterday afternoon, I got hospital privileges!!!
Since then, I've had 5 births...what the? 2 were vaginal births, that I actually delivered, and the others were sections where I was first assist. That means I stand across from TCD (my employer) and hold stuff. Right. Anyways I didn't try to pass out this time. It turns out that actually being involved in the surgery is less nauseating than standing on the side thinking about the chili I ate for dinner. Gross.

This is what I'm eating right now for dinner, because I am too lazy to go to the grocery or cook. These cost 40 cents, Peter told me about them, and they're kind of gross. All the sodium you can eat.

Okay I got lots of pictures.

This is from Dawn's wedding shower, which happened to be during my vacation in Oburg at the end of June. That is absolutely as good as my hair gets. :)

These are the cats. They are both boys. Sometimes I take them to the vet for shots, and I can't believe how much it costs, and I think I'm throwing my money away.But they run to meet me when I get home from work, and when I flop on the couch they join me. I like having something else alive in my very quiet apartment. I also have two peace lilies and a geranium. Sooo tied down.

It's a rainy July evening. I'm listening to Norah Jones.
These are my choices. I didn't get cable along with my internet, because I'm afraid of being like that guy I met in Nashville, who told me he was lonely until he got cable in his apartment. That one on the bottom is REALLY stupid, don't ever read it. Guys, thanks for the suggestions.
Hey, I know I am foolish and emotional but yesterday was my first birth in 6 months, and it didn't rock. I was expecting it to. I don't know. I guess I'm still growing into this job. That's what I told myself at 3 am on the way back to the hospital.

I finally joined the gym. I had to make an appointment, then go to an hour long orientation. I needed something else to do, and I need to meet more people. I liked it because I saw my pastor's wife there, and a woman that I work with at the pool, and a Covenant grad works at the front desk. I felt sort of connected. Maybe I'll actually go sometimes. I met a little guy there who told me all about his recent divorce, daughter, and hope for reconciliation. I know he was younger than me. Poor guy. I didn't know what to say, because I didn't know him, and he was all oozing. I just nodded and listened.

In the morning I am going to go to the hospital again and discharge three postpartum patients. It's not actually a big deal but I'm nervous anyway, because I've never done it myself before. I need to go pray now before my brain is done.

On page 444

So, I'm reading Vanity Fair by Thackeray. It's not what I'd call gripping. Before that I read Gone With the Wind, which was more interesting, but ended on such a depressing note!! I had no idea--but how lame, for Rhett's love to run out. I don't know why I was on Scarlett's side anyway, she was so horrible. Guys, I need some book recommendations. Peter gave me one idea, for a Michael Crichton book but I couldn't find it at the library.

I've been in Orangeburg all week, mostly alone. My mom and sisters are on a mission trip and Tico sleeps most of the day and Dad goes to work. It worked out that I had about a week and a half off from work, so I came here, and brought the kittens. I'll have to post some pictures of them--I got two. White and grey and white and orange.

Yesterday Tico and I played ping-pong and I won. Today we played Life and he won, but that's kind of a dumb game.
There have been these beetles around the pool that are enormous- like they belong somewhere more exotic than the USA. They are longer than my thumbs and fatter definitely.

slacker

Hi guys, that's what I am. Actually, I don't have the internet at my apartment yet, I'm writing this from work. But I do have an apartment....it's the one with the big kitchen. I live there alone, with minimal furniture.
Things have been going okay at work so far...there's a lot to take in. I haven't done any deliveries yet, I am still waiting for the hospital to give me privileges. My days are filled up with office work now: prenatal visits, ultrasounds, postpartum stuff, charting, labwork, blood draws, and waiting for the doctor. He calls me in to observe the births and round on his patients with him.

I REALLY need a haircut.

For my social life, I go back to Chattanooga. I still don't know anyone besides my coworkers here. I know what you're thinking: that girl needs a cat! I agree.

Yesterday for dinner I ate Chinese. It cost $3.20.
Because of the long weekend I checked on flights to San Diego, I was thinking I could go see Em and Ken. They are kind of expensive, so I won't be going.
Hey that's all for now.

To fill in the spaces

That's Tico, you know.

Right now I'm listening to "I've Got You Under My Skin" and thinking I should probably eat more than pop-tarts if I don't want to have a growly stomach in church. Last night I got dressed up and went to the Meeting Place with Nicky for Moriah's birthday. I didn't have a present. Nicky showed me some spiky grass growing in planters outside and told me it cost a thousand dollars to get that kind of banded grass.

Today is my last Sunday at St. Elmo Pres. It's annoying to keep thinking of things in lasts...I've only been here six months! But I always do that anyway.

I need to go pick out a skrit and cook some eggs.

Mud

Guys, it has been raining for 3 days and everything is muddy. Yesterday on my way to work in the pouring rain I thought about my old theory that it was my mother's fault that it rained, because every time we went to Ace Hardware that's what would happen.

If you like a girl, you should write her little notes. We like that.

Packing day

This is the street you turn on to get to my apartment. Mine is the one with the smallest windows.

Yesterday was a better day. I got all my blood draws and made sure to balance the centrifuge before I turned it on. And then I washed all the speculums. I had to wear special glasses. 2 different people came in to check on my scrubbing technique. First they soak, then we scrub them, then we put them in the dishwasher, then we put them in the autoclave. Autoclaves are much less important-looking than you would think.

Around 10 am there was a big storm, and the sky was so black that when I looked out the window I saw my own reflection. The flourescent lights were flickering in the hall.

We are on the 3rd floor of the building. Women still ask if people from the parking lot can see them while they are changing. They can't.

I ate lunch with 5 other women in the kitchen. We talked about Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's romantic attachments. Every time the phone rang, it was like "yeah, we're at lunch" but they looked at the caller id anyways.

When I got home from work I painted my toenails again.

How it goes

Today when I was trying to get some blood out of this lady's arm, I couldn't. I stuck the needle in, connected the tube to the end, and NO red dribble. Tried to subtly reposition the needle, but no luck. So I undid the tourniquet, and tied it around the other arm. I found a vein and thought about the angle it was running at, got a new needle and stuck again. Nothing. Then I was frustrated so I let go for a second to reach some gauze and the needle went sideways! What?
I only give it two tries. So another nurse came and stuck the back of her hand.

Later I went to spin the tubes of blood and I didn't balance the centrifuge right so it jumped violently across the counter and people kept coming in to see what all the noise was about.

All day long people tell me details about how to do things, and I just think, "thanks for telling me, but I'm probably going to have to hear it again tomorrow" and feel kind of dumb. There are a lot of details. It seems to have very little to do with all the stuff I learned in school. Anyways I'm annoyed and tired right now.

I leased an apartment...I'll move in on the 29th. It has 2 bedrooms upstairs, and a fireplace downstairs. I'm going to live alone. It'll be brilliant. You're all invited for dinner in the carpet capital of the world.

wood bees

More apartments today. All the wood bees are out hanging in the air right now, I tried not to freak out. They make a perfect round hole, I guess they actually eat the wood. Zzzzz. Do you know, there are a lot of really ugly, dark places to live. I wonder if the people who live there stop noticing after awhile. I saw one apartment that was different. It had a big kitchen with a lot of counter space, and sunny bedrooms, and a fireplace, and a patio, and large closets, and Berber carpet. I hope it's for me.

This afternoon I shot a bb gun. I was fantastic. I hit everything I wanted to.

I hate it when I smell like my car. Car is better than latex gloves, though.

This time next week I'll be in scrubs again

So now I'm looking for a place to live. I'm thinking about roommates, boxes, w/d hook-ups, and wondering where in the world my immunization record went, because I need it again. Yesterday I went through my "files" and found stuff I didn't know what to do with, like my SAT & GRE scores, my high school transcript, grades from Oxford, and some resumes from the summer of 2002. There was this whole folder called, "Stuff to do if I never get into nursing school" that went in the trash.

Last night I was trying to fall asleep and I kept thinking about the apartments I'd seen. They were built in an old cotton mill, with high exposed ceilings, brick walls, wood floors, huge windows. Oddly shaped rooms, lots of open space, that kind of thing. The woman who was showing me the place talked on her cell phone the whole time, just unlock a door, turn on the lights and keep talking while I walked around. Some of the windows started at my chin. When we were done, she asked me what kind of work I did, and after I answered she looked at me with her mouth open and said something dramatic about "little babies." I said yep. And then she said something about me being 18 years old. So I left.

Up for the weekend

They were all here (except Mom) and so we walked for awhile. It was beautiful but we were cold. We made dinner together and then went to the $2 theatre for Syriana. I'll start work in 11 days, on April 10. I hate how this is making all the text stay at the top.

Lines

Here's a picture of my triangle nose, and my hair stripes.

Well...

We don't have a plunger. Actually, we do. But there's no handle on it, so that's just completely disgusting. I found a metal rod we could use as a handle, but it wouldn't attach very well, and after a brief argument about whether or not a plunger needs to trap air to work, I won and then used my naked, ungloved hand to guide it through the water into place. Rachel connected the rod and did the pumping part. Then she said good job and told me I was like a missionary girl.

I'm reading this new library book now, called "My First Crush." It's about this couple who buys a winery in Oregon and starts making Pinot Noir. At first they live in Iowa, and the wife's all sad about leaving and starting a new life, because she's like 50 and has lived there forever. It has these little fun fact boxes off to the side about special diseases that grapes can get, etc. Understand that I am a person who goes to the library, sees a book with "My First Crush" on it in swirly letters, and grabs it off the shelf.

So anyways, I think I found a job I could enjoy. Also, I think that for the next year, I am going to find it difficult to establish any sort of routine, and I'll learn to chill out, and I guess I'll just be out of control and unable to prepare and screwing up and that makes me REALLY NERVOUSY.
That was a great sentence. I think that should be the end.

Advice

Never try to vacuum up a ball of kitchen twine. It makes that smell come out of the vacuum. You know what I'm talking about.

Tampa

I went to Tampa last weekend for a beach wedding with Liz. It felt strange to have my toes curling in the sand while the bride walked down on her father's arm. They fed us really great lunch...different kinds of seafood and chicken and vegetables, and then we sat around and talked or went on the beach for a few hours. Besides the wedding, it seemed like all anyone wanted to talk about was their birth experiences. Of course I enjoy hearing about that but after the 3rd conversation began about epidurals, I was kind of done. So I went to flop on the sand and take a vacation from talking to people I didn't know. I listened to a brown solid grandma telling someone about her old sewing machine, and that was much more interesting.

Just kidding, actually it was boring, but I couldn't not listen because it was all I could hear really.
At the beach it doesn't matter if anything interesting is happening though, because my brain gets all melty in the sun. All I do is sweat and stare at people and drink out of a warm water bottle. This is very pleasant, and for some reason, exhausting.

I didn't take any pictures while I was there. But everyone knows what Florida looks like, right? There's nothing subtle about it. There aren't any muted colors. Everything is loud and bright and oily.

Turn left here

Susan's been here all weekend. She likes this guy. The 3 of us spent the afternoon together yesterday, then they left to go ride a motocycle, and I washed our lunch dishes and went to see James.

At the Lewins, Steve was watching this Japanese animated movie in English with French subtitles set in Sicily. I know, all you guys are going, "I love that movie!" But actually it didn't seem that interesting. So I flopped on the floor in the nursery and Nicky told me stories while James orally inspected a bottle of foot cream. Then I tried to sing a French song about a donkey with a very bad headache to James, and Steve looked at me, and Nicky laughed.

Then I went to a community meeting at the old Fire Hall. It was slightly excruciating. It felt like a lot of talking about talking about doing something. Everyone thought his story was the most important one, the most vulnerable to being disregarded, and we made larger and larger circles around the point, until somebody would pop the balloon and we would come back to earth for a second.
Then the secretary doing the minutes turned to me and asked, "do you know how to type?" All of a sudden it was my job to write down what was happening during that meeting. It was unbelievably difficult for me, so this woman whispered in my ear what to write, and they kept telling her to be quiet, so then she would whisper so quietly I couldn't hear her, and I wrote lots of things like, "that other man Says, their are still trying to plant trees and what kind are left crepe myrtlesshe asked him?"

Luckily, it ended. When I got home my roommates were having a "see who can jump higher" contest. I made Scooby Doo macaroni and cheese and ate all of it except for what was stolen away while I got myself a napkin.

Cold stomach

Once I went for a walk with a friend.
We were in Oxford, so it was a grey afternoon.
I didn't know how to get there, and he did, so I was following him.
We were walking single file through all these strong dry weeds, and the conversation was "what?" and "watch out for that thing" and my usual comments about fast walking and sports injuries, etc.
After awhile, we came to an open pasture, so wide that I couldn't see where it ended.
He pointed and we started across.
In that field, there was wind like I have never felt before.
I think at first we were just sort of leaning into it and laughing about getting tossed around, but the more we walked, the worse it got.
It blew so violently that it became difficult for me to stay upright or even exhale, and I remember trying to talk to him, but every time I got close enough for him to hear me, my hair would slap at his face.
In the end we went the only way we could, which was kind of sideways and around the edges.

Hours later, full of meat and wine and sitting all warm in the restaurant, I ordered chocolate profiteroles for dessert.

Fat Tuesday

Don't forget the pancakes.

Or the pizza.

Or the tanning bed.

Dear Mom

Shari Lewis was the voice behind Lambchop, of Lambchop's Play-Along...startlingly bright hair, catchy songs.

Anyways you have to pick. You can't just say neither. Otherwise you get the booby prize choice by default, which REALLY sucks.

Hold on, I'm still trying to think of it.

Okay...here it is.

Every new chapter has to begin with an entire line from the song, "My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas.

Newsflash

This is my favorite baby. He's scared of my face when it's upside down.

These are some green beans that I'm growing.
They are a lot bigger now, I've already transplanted them to pots on our windowsill.

Right now April is talking on the phone and I'm eating leftover lasagna for lunch and trying not to listen. Yeah.

I watched another Paul Newman movie. It was called "On the Terrace" or something like that. I watched the whole thing, even when it got gross/boring, because I didn't want to repeat the mistake I made with Cool Hand Luke. It didn't turn out to be very interesting.

Last night for roommate night we went to the gym and played basketball, tall girls against short girls. We schooled them--obviously. Then we tried to go in the hot tub, but I couldn't actually breathe in there with all the high bubbly water and low ceiling, so I went in the sauna until I started feeling light-headed and everyone thought I was really hard core. Then I drank a lot of water and put my necklace back on. I enjoyed it, especially when we walked back out into the rain that had been coming down all day...I felt like I was getting away with something.

Once we got back home, a boy called April and said "come see the new puppy" so she and I went with stringy curlyish chlorine hair. That was interesting. I saw an old friend there.

Anyways...as far as the job search goes...I had a 2nd or 3rd-ish interview with one practice. I also went to a meeting of all the area midwives and tried to be professional and grown up and let them know that I'd probably be a good person to hire. It went well. The food was brilliant. I had the salmon.

I'm working on getting my licenses to practice in GA and TN right now. It is confusing enough that I have to work on it little by little. I hate doing stuff like that. Maybe everyone does. I would make a terrible orthodontist. I like sitting down and knowing that when I get up, the project will be finished.

So if you wrote a book today, would you rather have your big face on the cover, or have Shari Lewis write your foreword?

S-N-W-O

It's snowing again now. If I were someone who was committed to seeing beautiful things every day, I would go up the mountain and wander around for awhile.
However:
1. I saw it Saturday
2. I might die on the way up there, as it has been freezing and wet all weekend
3. My house is warm
4. My house has lots of windows and cozy places to sit
5. Maybe later

But anyways, I should go find that book and see what happened to that Edna before I forget.

Okay I'm back. He became a pastor and has proposed to her multiple times, but she keeps saying no because of dying crippled orphans and the manuscripts she's working on.

This is how it ends: "Edna looked reverently up at his beaming countenance, whence the shadows of hate and scorn had long since passed; and, as his splendid eyes came back to hers, reading in her beautiful, pure face all her love and confidence and happy hope, he drew her closer to his bosom, and laid his dark cheek on hers, saying fondly and proudly..."

That's like 2 hours after their wedding. Obviously. Edna's not into premarital cheek layage.

Happy Birthday Zach! tomorrow.

Steph came this weekend for the Kaleo conference (Gender & the Church). We went together. It was interesting. I talked to some of my old professors, which was good, because I was wondering how to re-establish contact with them. And I talked with Mel Murray and her husband, which was good.

Guess what I am the greeter for church this month. I've never been a greeter before. At first when Becky told me I had to do it I got nervous, but last week I realized that you don't have to talk to everyone. You just have to smile at their eyes and give them a bulletin and then move out of the way so they can keep going into the sanctuary.

The snow has basically stopped, so I need to get going.

St. Elmo

This morning I noticed a sock in the toilet. It wasn't mine. I told Rachel and she acted like I had done it to be funny, but that's not how I'm funny. I made her get it out.

I'm better from my cold now. I know that because when I woke up my mouth was closed and my pillow was dry. When I'm sick that's not how it works.

Well, I don't know why you guys wouldn't want me to go on a trip for SB.

Awhile ago I was reading this book I found in our house called St. Elmo. It was written in the 19th century and it is a really beautiful book, I think it belongs to the people who own the house.

Anyways, it's one of those books where you can skip large portions of it because you know that the author is about to go on and on about something....and it's like, okay, I understand it already, you can stop going on about her simple homespun dress and the sunrise and the hymn she's singing absentmindedly and her pail of water and her ugly dog that she loves anyways.

It's fun to read because it makes me feel so smart, because I can say things to myself like, "oh geez, Romanticism; glad we're not as into that anymore, but we're sort of getting back into it again, I should probably reread Bobos in Paradise." I would say more intelligent things, if I knew anything, but I've pretty much forgotten it all, so yeah.

I remember when I was maybe 12 I used to lose myself in writing like that. L.M. Montgomery was my favorite author for awhile.

I wonder why that appealed to me so much then? I guess it appeals to me now too, since I read two chapters of a book like that this morning. I think/hope I liked it this AM because it was funny, though. This girl is basically sinless, and has recently lost all her family and become a cripple, and she's struggling through....and I was just about to stop reading when they introduced a guy who is basically Satan. And I already know what's going to happen, so that's when I really stopped reading and came to go brag to my Mom, Peter, Em and Dan that I know what's going to happen.

You guys will know too, just read this:

"A painful thrill shot along Edna's nerves, and an indescribable sensation of dread, a presentiment of coming ill, overshadowed her heart. This was the son of her friend, and the first glimpse of him filled her with instantaneous repugnance; there was an innate and powerful repulsion which she could not analyze. He was a tall, athletic man, not exactly young, yet certainly not elderly; one of anomalous appearance, prematurely old, and, though not one white thread silvered his thick, waving, brown hair, the heavy and habitual scowl on his high full brow had plowed deep furrows such as age claims for its monogram."

St Louis

My roommates and I drove up to St. Louis this weekend to see all the seminary friends. It was brilliant, I loved it. Kind of a long trip though, like 7 hours. Rachel and April did all the driving, and I rolled around in the backseat giving orders, eating doritos, offering my opinions on various topics, and singing along with the radio.

We neglected to bring the CDs with us, so all we had were what we could find in my car, which included Roberto Torres, Lauryn Hill, and the Andrew Lloyd Weber premiere collection. So, yeah, it was mostly radio for us.
April has struggles with XM radio....she seems to enjoy all the options, but when it comes to listening to a song all the way through... she actually can't, most of the time. This is how I listen to music too, skipping around a lot, but I never realized how jarring it is when someone else is controlling the skippage.

Sometimes April makes these mixed CDs, and I appreciate her song choices, but the order she puts them in is completely confusing to me. She'll go from Michael Bolton to Black-Eyed Peas to Coldplay to Dixie Chicks to Kanye West, and then she'll throw in an instrumental from the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. We talked about it once, and she told me that she does that intentionally because she gets bored with the same musical style over and over. When I make CDs, they are usually about sameness. Same sound, or same time in life that I was listening to them, or same amount of energy required to listen to them, or something.

I told all this to Zach and he said he was on April's team and then he told me to go watch High Fidelity.
But I'm not going to because right now I'm busy having a cold.
I think I'm going to the Gulf Islands for Spring Break. Are you still allowed to do SB when you're out of school?

Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3a.
I tried all the usual tricks...
watching tv
eating cookies
asking God to make me fall asleep
reading something really hard
staring out the window
telling my brain that I was through for the day and nothing else was going to be accomplished
trying to hold very still

But after a couple of hours, I was so frustrated that I just gave up and took a sleeping pill.
Now it's ten-thirty and I just woke up, because the sun was blazing through my cheap white curtains.

Sometime this am, I got up and went to the bathroom and Rachel said something to the effect of, "you probably don't want a shower this morning....call Glen....drain...Laura Star's fault...ha ha."
Now I don't know if it was a joke or if I really shouldn't take a shower. Or if I should pour a bunch of baking soda and boiling water down the drain and then take a shower? Or if I should just ignore it and go hang out at a coffee shop with other unemployed unwashed folk? Or maybe do that disgusting coat hanger thing where you fish for hair?

The good thing is, the sun has finally come out again. It's rained so much lately.

The newlywed

Nathan's

It's really dark and rainy outside. A good day to stay busy.

I went to the grocery yesterday and bought pickles, salmon, cream cheese, potato chips, hummus, tortilla chips, alcohol, minestrone, and brie. Then I came home and sampled a little of everything.

Then I started envisioning myself turning into a pillar of salt with a face like the smoked salmon guy...so I started drinking tons of water.
Then I decided that I was thinking too hard about idiot things, so I did yoga for awhile and then walked down the street looking for someone to tune my guitar for me.

I love this neighborhood. Guess how long it was before I found someone? Probably less than a minute. I'm trying to save up things that I love about this place, because I doubt that I'll find a job here. Which is okay. It would be nice to learn a new city...hopefully one with less dark and rainy January days.

CNM

***I passed my exam!!!!!!!***

Now I'm allowed to put Certified Nurse-Midwife after my name. AND, I'm officially supposed to know what people are talking about when they come up to me and tell me weirdo stories that they saw on "Amazing Births" on the Discovery Channel. And if someone asks me a question about their birth control, Celiac disease, acne, ear infection, or diabetes, I should probably be able to answer them. And I'm eligible to prescribe now, I just have to get my DEA number first.

The test was harder than I was expecting.
However, I was the only one in the closet-sized, flourescent-lit testing room, so I could talk to myself and pace (a little) and stretch and bang my head against the table whenever necessary.

It was a 4 hour test. When I came out, all crazy faced and used up, the guy said, "I was about to come back there and get you, I thought you had fallen asleep or something!"
I tried not to be offended that he hadn't been as entertained by my theatrics as I had expected. (There were at least 2 cameras on me the whole time)

Anyways. Enough about that. Now I guess I have to look for a job or something. That feels pretty weird... Or maybe I'll take the day off and do a book tour of all the fabulous bookstores I've missed while I've been doing this other stuff.

I think I was expecting that nagging, "I should be doing something more profitable" feeling to go away once I was completely finished jumping through school hoops.
I'm kind of disappointed that it isn't gone. Maybe that's just how you have to feel your whole life, like there's always something crappy that you should take care of before you can relax.

I guess I probably should have anticipated that.

Hey if you know Ken, you should probably tell him Happy Birthday because now he is 25! In lieu of gifts, please send him your ideas for his paper on the relationship between Christianity and psychology.

My certification exam is in 4 days

Hey, during my study break this am I was looking at the MoMA website and I found so many interesting things. They have this exhibit called SAFE: design takes on.....something I can't remember right now, but it is really good way to waste a couple of hours because afterwards you can rationalize the whole thing by telling yourself, well, I'm just so artsy and cool and my soul probably needed that.

These are stuffed animals that represent different microbes. The grey one is a dust mite, the fringey one has something to do with GI distress, etc.
My first thought was "wow how cool" and my second one was, "what kind of people buy stuff like this?" and then I became embarrassed and looked at something else.

I didn't look at the whole website but my favorite stuff was by a guy named Matthiew Lehaunner. He's in the Objets Therapeutiques section...he has these ideas about the experience of taking antibiotics that are really fascinating. If you look at it, also check out the urban shelters section. I'd post the link but I'm too lazy and I'm sick of this for now.

One other thing I'm trying not to waste time on right now: the Ricky Gervais podcasts.

Merry Christmas!
Here's some news items since I haven't blogged in like 7 years:

-I graduated. Now I get to put MSN after my name.
-I do not have a job lined up. I trust God.
-I am still living with my fabulous roommates until I find a job. We just got a 3rd roommate, actually. She's great. She makes me feel short. I like that.
-This is my 12th day at home with the fam. It's going ok. I miss my friends...and I'm irritated because my cell doesn't work out here.
-My Grandaddy is getting married in 10 days.
-I am redecorating Christie's old room, because I am sleeping in it while I'm here. It is fun. I highly recommend having a project to throw yourself into when you go home for Christmas.

Struggles

Well, I haven't written in a really long time because I've been busy and I don't know what to say, anyways.
Clinicals have been very hard and there's a chance I might not graduate on time, because I am not performing well at work and have only had 3 births so far this semester. I need way more than that to feel confident about my skills.
I am disappointed and afraid...but I'm trying to trust God and work as hard as I can.

My faculty has told me that they are probably going to change my clinical site, which means I'll be moving soon. But I don't know when or to where. So I'm just waiting to hear. So you should just pray for me if you want to.

Here's a roommate picture that Linda took for us while we flopped. 

Rachel, Ellis & April at the lake 

Nicky and baby James 

My throat's feeling really scratchy today too...

<---This is from when my new roommates took me out for my birthday. Olive Garden is really cold, that's why I'm wearing that dorky shrunken sweater.

Okay so on Monday I woke up with a mildly scratchy throat that turned into a runny nose and sneezing and a thousand-pound head, so I left work early and came home to sleep.
On my way out the door, I said to my preceptor, "If I wake up feeling worse than this I'll give you a call in the morning."

She said, "well, that's ok when you're a student, but when you're a real midwife, you come to work no matter how you feel."

I was like, "Oh. Well maybe I'll feel better in the morning."

Anyways, I didn't feel better yesterday when I woke up, so I left her a message and slept the rest of the day. Okay I didn't sleep the whole day: I woke up to eat a little and drink a lot and take Sudafed.
It was a pretty good day, in that I felt like I had made the right decision to not go to work. Linda came over and brought me tea, a Z-pack, arnica gel, Airborne, a plant, a get-well-soon card and some quesadillas. I was supposed to go to yoga with Christian, but she was feeling sick too, so she invited me over to watch movies and be sick on the couch together.

She gave me some chewable Immunorockyourworld tablets or something, and after I put it in my mouth she goes, "they're basically just colostrum and echinacea, so they're really good for you."
What the? Colostrum? I almost spit it out, but then she said it was cow's colostrum. I didn't know they made that, but since I drink cow's milk, I felt like it would have been hypocritical of me not to accept their colostrum. Well whatever. It didn't taste gross.

Today is my day off, and I'm planning on being better, because I want to go watch Wooster & Jeeves movies with Nicky and I certainly don't want to make her 3 month-old roommate sick. So I should probably go back to sleep now.

Slug thoughts

Today I feel like trash so I'm flopping around watching Cool Hand Luke and eating puppy chow. Paul Newman is in that movie, did you ever know that? He's my favorite, even though I have to try really hard not to think about salad dressing when I watch him.

On a less embarrassing note, I was noticing this week that I still get a little nervous every time I get ready to go in a patient's room. I mean, I always look in the chart to see why the woman's there and get an idea in my head of what I'm going to do before I go in, but I guess I'm afraid that they'll ask me something I don't know.

Sometimes I'm even scared of the prenatal visits, which are the easiest of all and take like 20 minutes. Those pregnant ladies, especially the first-time moms, have a LOT of questions. Occasionally the husband will come too, with his own list of questions.

<---that's me. I usually like it when I walk in the room and she's sitting on the table with a 12 page "tentative birth plan" and list of things to ask, because I can usually tell them what they want to hear and have it actually be the truth. That's something I really like about midwifery. They'll ask, "how many of your patients do you cut episiotomies on?" And I get to say, "we only cut if the baby's really in trouble and has to be out right away, which is pretty unusual." But other times they'll ask me stuff like, "I heard I'm not supposed to be eating fish because of mercury levels--how much is safe?" or "Where's my scar going to be after I have a tubal ligation?" and I have to go ask someone. Both of those fall into the category of things-I-should-have-memorized-by-now. But I love those patients, the ones who are curious and freaked out at the same time, but still want to try having an unmedicated labor. It's really brave of them, I think. Sometimes if I have really bad cramps, I yell in my head, "I am SO getting an epidural when I have a baby!! It's going to be so much worse than this!" and then I feel guilty like I'm not a true midwife or some crap like that. :) That's why I don't mind if my patients decide to get them. Especially if they're the kind who ask me if it's going to get worse after every contraction, because then I have to say, "Yes definitely. But you can do it." Of course, I like it better when they don't--because it's more of a challenge for me (epidural patients usually sleep a lot, which means I get to sit around bored until the baby comes down) and because they are so proud of themselves afterwards.

This week I really enjoyed myself in the clinic, even though I had to look up a lot of stuff and felt like an idiot approximately 50% of the time. I'm excited about the births I'm going to get this semester--last semester, I didn't get to see the patients for their prenatal visits, so I didn't know them as well. This time I'm going to have an idea of where they are in life, what their family dynamics are, how they deal with pain, and what they want from the birth. I mean, I tried to get an idea of all those things with my patients this summer but it's hard, especially if it's one of those stop & drop moms who've had like 6 kids. :)

Anyways, enough of that. I saw a cute little lemon tree for sale at Home Depot the other day, but then Christian pointed out that we'd never seen a lemon tree growing around here before, so maybe it would just die. Does anybody know? Also, if I were to get it, would it take like 50 years before it would actually bear fruit? Because it's only 3 feet high, and obviously I don't want to help it grow to like 12 feet and then have to leave it here when I move again.

P.S. on Cool Hand Luke: maybe not as good as I originally thought. Right now there's some skank doing a Paris Hilton Hardee's commercial imitation, and its totally gross. If she turns out to be a romantic lead, I'm switching back to Jeopardy.

Good reasons to eat Top Ramen...

<----That's Tico, in case you can't tell. Isn't he cute?
This weekend Linda and I drove to NC to switch my van out and see the fam.

Mom, Christie, and Tico are going to Israel for a couple of weeks with Grandaddy. And when they return, Tico will have aged enough to be allowed to trade in his learning permit for a real live unrestricted driver's license. Since the only extra car in the driveway at home is my Dad's shiny new Prius, and I'll probably be trading my van in for something that doesn't break every 500 miles in a couple of months anyway, my parents asked me if I'd switch with them so Tico could use the van for his teenage hijinks. Mom said it was good for a 15 year old boy's ego to drive around in a weird-smelling 1993 minivan.

So anyways, it is a brilliant car. It's a hybrid so it gets like 60 miles to the gallon and you get to feel like a hippie. When I walk up to it (with the key in my pocket) the door automatically unlocks, and then I push a button to start it. It has a GPS and you can type in where you're going and this girl will say, "turn right here" and you can rebel and it will reroute you. AND, the CD player is in the front, unlike my van, where the CD player was under my legs.
I've already made a decision not to fall in love with it because a) I would just be on the rebound, and more importantly, b) I don't think I can afford the monthly payments. Unless I make the decision to subsist only on ramen noodles and canned peas. If I did that, all my hair would probably fall out, and I'm too vain to embrace baldness at 24.

I gotta go get ready for church. I'll blog about my first week at work later.

Now I'm 24

On Thursday night we had our honoring of hands ceremony at my school, and one of the midwives who I worked with this summer gave this photo to me and said, "hey, one of the patients you delivered brought this picture of you and her baby to her 6 week postpartum visit." On the back of the photo is this awesome thank-you note from the patient, talking about how happy she was with her birth and how much she appreciated my help and encouragement during her labor!!! Umm, yeah. So I was pretty much thrilled and showing everybody and jumping around. I'm still pretty excited about it.

This morning I woke up and discovered that I was sleeping with several pine needles, dust bunnies, and black specks, so I decided to wash my sheets. My Mom tells me that normal people usually wash their sheets weekly, and I think I'm going to give it a go, as part of my preparation-for-being-out-of-school-and-being-a-real-person plan. That's actually all I've thought of for that plan so far.

Anyways who cares, because do you know what? We have cable! and wireless internet!! And my patients really like me! And it's fabulous, I'm never going to leave my house again. One time I met this guy who told me he was really lonely when he first moved to Nashville, so he decided to get satellite TV and TiVo. He said after that things got a lot better, because he had something to do after work.

This morning I was flipping through the channels during breakfast, when I came across Dean Cain, my old friend from 8th grade. When I was 13, my best friend Jennie & I used to watch Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman every Sunday night. I made a collage of him for my room and we both wrote him letters, to which he replied with a postcard that said something like "Super wishes!" --Dean. I saw every episode up until he and Lois finally got married, when the whole show totally went downhill.
Since that was ten years ago I was psyched to find him back on tv. Unfortunately, he was playing in some geeky movie on the SciFi channel where a giant dragon was flying around eating people, but he still looked exactly the same, and by that I mean he looked awesome.

So, I am fully moved into my new house and I LOVE it. I forgot how it was to live with people who are your friends: it's really great. When we get home from work we talk about our days and sometimes we eat dinner together and watch movies.

Last night for my birthday, Christian & Glenn & Linda took me out for dinner and then we went back to their place for a movie. We watched Memento, and then Glenn tried to explain what he wants to do his doctoral dissertation on, and by then I was so tired that my brain could only handle one complicated concept at a time. But it was all really fun. I got a big box from my family to open, and Christian gave me a candle, and Linda gave me an Amelie poster in Chinese, and Em sent a card and earrings that she made. I also bought myself a jacket, but that's a story I'll write about later.

Okay, so awhile ago I found this necklace I really liked on the internet for $120. Last week while I was bored in Nashville I decided to try and copy it. Since I hadn't looked at the picture for a few weeks, I sort of forgot what it looked like, so it's not exactly the same, but still close, huh? I was really proud of myself. It cost like $8 to make.