S-N-W-O

It's snowing again now. If I were someone who was committed to seeing beautiful things every day, I would go up the mountain and wander around for awhile.
However:
1. I saw it Saturday
2. I might die on the way up there, as it has been freezing and wet all weekend
3. My house is warm
4. My house has lots of windows and cozy places to sit
5. Maybe later

But anyways, I should go find that book and see what happened to that Edna before I forget.

Okay I'm back. He became a pastor and has proposed to her multiple times, but she keeps saying no because of dying crippled orphans and the manuscripts she's working on.

This is how it ends: "Edna looked reverently up at his beaming countenance, whence the shadows of hate and scorn had long since passed; and, as his splendid eyes came back to hers, reading in her beautiful, pure face all her love and confidence and happy hope, he drew her closer to his bosom, and laid his dark cheek on hers, saying fondly and proudly..."

That's like 2 hours after their wedding. Obviously. Edna's not into premarital cheek layage.

Happy Birthday Zach! tomorrow.

Steph came this weekend for the Kaleo conference (Gender & the Church). We went together. It was interesting. I talked to some of my old professors, which was good, because I was wondering how to re-establish contact with them. And I talked with Mel Murray and her husband, which was good.

Guess what I am the greeter for church this month. I've never been a greeter before. At first when Becky told me I had to do it I got nervous, but last week I realized that you don't have to talk to everyone. You just have to smile at their eyes and give them a bulletin and then move out of the way so they can keep going into the sanctuary.

The snow has basically stopped, so I need to get going.

St. Elmo

This morning I noticed a sock in the toilet. It wasn't mine. I told Rachel and she acted like I had done it to be funny, but that's not how I'm funny. I made her get it out.

I'm better from my cold now. I know that because when I woke up my mouth was closed and my pillow was dry. When I'm sick that's not how it works.

Well, I don't know why you guys wouldn't want me to go on a trip for SB.

Awhile ago I was reading this book I found in our house called St. Elmo. It was written in the 19th century and it is a really beautiful book, I think it belongs to the people who own the house.

Anyways, it's one of those books where you can skip large portions of it because you know that the author is about to go on and on about something....and it's like, okay, I understand it already, you can stop going on about her simple homespun dress and the sunrise and the hymn she's singing absentmindedly and her pail of water and her ugly dog that she loves anyways.

It's fun to read because it makes me feel so smart, because I can say things to myself like, "oh geez, Romanticism; glad we're not as into that anymore, but we're sort of getting back into it again, I should probably reread Bobos in Paradise." I would say more intelligent things, if I knew anything, but I've pretty much forgotten it all, so yeah.

I remember when I was maybe 12 I used to lose myself in writing like that. L.M. Montgomery was my favorite author for awhile.

I wonder why that appealed to me so much then? I guess it appeals to me now too, since I read two chapters of a book like that this morning. I think/hope I liked it this AM because it was funny, though. This girl is basically sinless, and has recently lost all her family and become a cripple, and she's struggling through....and I was just about to stop reading when they introduced a guy who is basically Satan. And I already know what's going to happen, so that's when I really stopped reading and came to go brag to my Mom, Peter, Em and Dan that I know what's going to happen.

You guys will know too, just read this:

"A painful thrill shot along Edna's nerves, and an indescribable sensation of dread, a presentiment of coming ill, overshadowed her heart. This was the son of her friend, and the first glimpse of him filled her with instantaneous repugnance; there was an innate and powerful repulsion which she could not analyze. He was a tall, athletic man, not exactly young, yet certainly not elderly; one of anomalous appearance, prematurely old, and, though not one white thread silvered his thick, waving, brown hair, the heavy and habitual scowl on his high full brow had plowed deep furrows such as age claims for its monogram."

St Louis

My roommates and I drove up to St. Louis this weekend to see all the seminary friends. It was brilliant, I loved it. Kind of a long trip though, like 7 hours. Rachel and April did all the driving, and I rolled around in the backseat giving orders, eating doritos, offering my opinions on various topics, and singing along with the radio.

We neglected to bring the CDs with us, so all we had were what we could find in my car, which included Roberto Torres, Lauryn Hill, and the Andrew Lloyd Weber premiere collection. So, yeah, it was mostly radio for us.
April has struggles with XM radio....she seems to enjoy all the options, but when it comes to listening to a song all the way through... she actually can't, most of the time. This is how I listen to music too, skipping around a lot, but I never realized how jarring it is when someone else is controlling the skippage.

Sometimes April makes these mixed CDs, and I appreciate her song choices, but the order she puts them in is completely confusing to me. She'll go from Michael Bolton to Black-Eyed Peas to Coldplay to Dixie Chicks to Kanye West, and then she'll throw in an instrumental from the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. We talked about it once, and she told me that she does that intentionally because she gets bored with the same musical style over and over. When I make CDs, they are usually about sameness. Same sound, or same time in life that I was listening to them, or same amount of energy required to listen to them, or something.

I told all this to Zach and he said he was on April's team and then he told me to go watch High Fidelity.
But I'm not going to because right now I'm busy having a cold.
I think I'm going to the Gulf Islands for Spring Break. Are you still allowed to do SB when you're out of school?

Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3a.
I tried all the usual tricks...
watching tv
eating cookies
asking God to make me fall asleep
reading something really hard
staring out the window
telling my brain that I was through for the day and nothing else was going to be accomplished
trying to hold very still

But after a couple of hours, I was so frustrated that I just gave up and took a sleeping pill.
Now it's ten-thirty and I just woke up, because the sun was blazing through my cheap white curtains.

Sometime this am, I got up and went to the bathroom and Rachel said something to the effect of, "you probably don't want a shower this morning....call Glen....drain...Laura Star's fault...ha ha."
Now I don't know if it was a joke or if I really shouldn't take a shower. Or if I should pour a bunch of baking soda and boiling water down the drain and then take a shower? Or if I should just ignore it and go hang out at a coffee shop with other unemployed unwashed folk? Or maybe do that disgusting coat hanger thing where you fish for hair?

The good thing is, the sun has finally come out again. It's rained so much lately.

The newlywed

Nathan's

It's really dark and rainy outside. A good day to stay busy.

I went to the grocery yesterday and bought pickles, salmon, cream cheese, potato chips, hummus, tortilla chips, alcohol, minestrone, and brie. Then I came home and sampled a little of everything.

Then I started envisioning myself turning into a pillar of salt with a face like the smoked salmon guy...so I started drinking tons of water.
Then I decided that I was thinking too hard about idiot things, so I did yoga for awhile and then walked down the street looking for someone to tune my guitar for me.

I love this neighborhood. Guess how long it was before I found someone? Probably less than a minute. I'm trying to save up things that I love about this place, because I doubt that I'll find a job here. Which is okay. It would be nice to learn a new city...hopefully one with less dark and rainy January days.

CNM

***I passed my exam!!!!!!!***

Now I'm allowed to put Certified Nurse-Midwife after my name. AND, I'm officially supposed to know what people are talking about when they come up to me and tell me weirdo stories that they saw on "Amazing Births" on the Discovery Channel. And if someone asks me a question about their birth control, Celiac disease, acne, ear infection, or diabetes, I should probably be able to answer them. And I'm eligible to prescribe now, I just have to get my DEA number first.

The test was harder than I was expecting.
However, I was the only one in the closet-sized, flourescent-lit testing room, so I could talk to myself and pace (a little) and stretch and bang my head against the table whenever necessary.

It was a 4 hour test. When I came out, all crazy faced and used up, the guy said, "I was about to come back there and get you, I thought you had fallen asleep or something!"
I tried not to be offended that he hadn't been as entertained by my theatrics as I had expected. (There were at least 2 cameras on me the whole time)

Anyways. Enough about that. Now I guess I have to look for a job or something. That feels pretty weird... Or maybe I'll take the day off and do a book tour of all the fabulous bookstores I've missed while I've been doing this other stuff.

I think I was expecting that nagging, "I should be doing something more profitable" feeling to go away once I was completely finished jumping through school hoops.
I'm kind of disappointed that it isn't gone. Maybe that's just how you have to feel your whole life, like there's always something crappy that you should take care of before you can relax.

I guess I probably should have anticipated that.

Hey if you know Ken, you should probably tell him Happy Birthday because now he is 25! In lieu of gifts, please send him your ideas for his paper on the relationship between Christianity and psychology.

My certification exam is in 4 days

Hey, during my study break this am I was looking at the MoMA website and I found so many interesting things. They have this exhibit called SAFE: design takes on.....something I can't remember right now, but it is really good way to waste a couple of hours because afterwards you can rationalize the whole thing by telling yourself, well, I'm just so artsy and cool and my soul probably needed that.

These are stuffed animals that represent different microbes. The grey one is a dust mite, the fringey one has something to do with GI distress, etc.
My first thought was "wow how cool" and my second one was, "what kind of people buy stuff like this?" and then I became embarrassed and looked at something else.

I didn't look at the whole website but my favorite stuff was by a guy named Matthiew Lehaunner. He's in the Objets Therapeutiques section...he has these ideas about the experience of taking antibiotics that are really fascinating. If you look at it, also check out the urban shelters section. I'd post the link but I'm too lazy and I'm sick of this for now.

One other thing I'm trying not to waste time on right now: the Ricky Gervais podcasts.

Merry Christmas!
Here's some news items since I haven't blogged in like 7 years:

-I graduated. Now I get to put MSN after my name.
-I do not have a job lined up. I trust God.
-I am still living with my fabulous roommates until I find a job. We just got a 3rd roommate, actually. She's great. She makes me feel short. I like that.
-This is my 12th day at home with the fam. It's going ok. I miss my friends...and I'm irritated because my cell doesn't work out here.
-My Grandaddy is getting married in 10 days.
-I am redecorating Christie's old room, because I am sleeping in it while I'm here. It is fun. I highly recommend having a project to throw yourself into when you go home for Christmas.

Struggles

Well, I haven't written in a really long time because I've been busy and I don't know what to say, anyways.
Clinicals have been very hard and there's a chance I might not graduate on time, because I am not performing well at work and have only had 3 births so far this semester. I need way more than that to feel confident about my skills.
I am disappointed and afraid...but I'm trying to trust God and work as hard as I can.

My faculty has told me that they are probably going to change my clinical site, which means I'll be moving soon. But I don't know when or to where. So I'm just waiting to hear. So you should just pray for me if you want to.

Here's a roommate picture that Linda took for us while we flopped. 

Rachel, Ellis & April at the lake 

Nicky and baby James 

My throat's feeling really scratchy today too...

<---This is from when my new roommates took me out for my birthday. Olive Garden is really cold, that's why I'm wearing that dorky shrunken sweater.

Okay so on Monday I woke up with a mildly scratchy throat that turned into a runny nose and sneezing and a thousand-pound head, so I left work early and came home to sleep.
On my way out the door, I said to my preceptor, "If I wake up feeling worse than this I'll give you a call in the morning."

She said, "well, that's ok when you're a student, but when you're a real midwife, you come to work no matter how you feel."

I was like, "Oh. Well maybe I'll feel better in the morning."

Anyways, I didn't feel better yesterday when I woke up, so I left her a message and slept the rest of the day. Okay I didn't sleep the whole day: I woke up to eat a little and drink a lot and take Sudafed.
It was a pretty good day, in that I felt like I had made the right decision to not go to work. Linda came over and brought me tea, a Z-pack, arnica gel, Airborne, a plant, a get-well-soon card and some quesadillas. I was supposed to go to yoga with Christian, but she was feeling sick too, so she invited me over to watch movies and be sick on the couch together.

She gave me some chewable Immunorockyourworld tablets or something, and after I put it in my mouth she goes, "they're basically just colostrum and echinacea, so they're really good for you."
What the? Colostrum? I almost spit it out, but then she said it was cow's colostrum. I didn't know they made that, but since I drink cow's milk, I felt like it would have been hypocritical of me not to accept their colostrum. Well whatever. It didn't taste gross.

Today is my day off, and I'm planning on being better, because I want to go watch Wooster & Jeeves movies with Nicky and I certainly don't want to make her 3 month-old roommate sick. So I should probably go back to sleep now.

Slug thoughts

Today I feel like trash so I'm flopping around watching Cool Hand Luke and eating puppy chow. Paul Newman is in that movie, did you ever know that? He's my favorite, even though I have to try really hard not to think about salad dressing when I watch him.

On a less embarrassing note, I was noticing this week that I still get a little nervous every time I get ready to go in a patient's room. I mean, I always look in the chart to see why the woman's there and get an idea in my head of what I'm going to do before I go in, but I guess I'm afraid that they'll ask me something I don't know.

Sometimes I'm even scared of the prenatal visits, which are the easiest of all and take like 20 minutes. Those pregnant ladies, especially the first-time moms, have a LOT of questions. Occasionally the husband will come too, with his own list of questions.

<---that's me. I usually like it when I walk in the room and she's sitting on the table with a 12 page "tentative birth plan" and list of things to ask, because I can usually tell them what they want to hear and have it actually be the truth. That's something I really like about midwifery. They'll ask, "how many of your patients do you cut episiotomies on?" And I get to say, "we only cut if the baby's really in trouble and has to be out right away, which is pretty unusual." But other times they'll ask me stuff like, "I heard I'm not supposed to be eating fish because of mercury levels--how much is safe?" or "Where's my scar going to be after I have a tubal ligation?" and I have to go ask someone. Both of those fall into the category of things-I-should-have-memorized-by-now. But I love those patients, the ones who are curious and freaked out at the same time, but still want to try having an unmedicated labor. It's really brave of them, I think. Sometimes if I have really bad cramps, I yell in my head, "I am SO getting an epidural when I have a baby!! It's going to be so much worse than this!" and then I feel guilty like I'm not a true midwife or some crap like that. :) That's why I don't mind if my patients decide to get them. Especially if they're the kind who ask me if it's going to get worse after every contraction, because then I have to say, "Yes definitely. But you can do it." Of course, I like it better when they don't--because it's more of a challenge for me (epidural patients usually sleep a lot, which means I get to sit around bored until the baby comes down) and because they are so proud of themselves afterwards.

This week I really enjoyed myself in the clinic, even though I had to look up a lot of stuff and felt like an idiot approximately 50% of the time. I'm excited about the births I'm going to get this semester--last semester, I didn't get to see the patients for their prenatal visits, so I didn't know them as well. This time I'm going to have an idea of where they are in life, what their family dynamics are, how they deal with pain, and what they want from the birth. I mean, I tried to get an idea of all those things with my patients this summer but it's hard, especially if it's one of those stop & drop moms who've had like 6 kids. :)

Anyways, enough of that. I saw a cute little lemon tree for sale at Home Depot the other day, but then Christian pointed out that we'd never seen a lemon tree growing around here before, so maybe it would just die. Does anybody know? Also, if I were to get it, would it take like 50 years before it would actually bear fruit? Because it's only 3 feet high, and obviously I don't want to help it grow to like 12 feet and then have to leave it here when I move again.

P.S. on Cool Hand Luke: maybe not as good as I originally thought. Right now there's some skank doing a Paris Hilton Hardee's commercial imitation, and its totally gross. If she turns out to be a romantic lead, I'm switching back to Jeopardy.

Good reasons to eat Top Ramen...

<----That's Tico, in case you can't tell. Isn't he cute?
This weekend Linda and I drove to NC to switch my van out and see the fam.

Mom, Christie, and Tico are going to Israel for a couple of weeks with Grandaddy. And when they return, Tico will have aged enough to be allowed to trade in his learning permit for a real live unrestricted driver's license. Since the only extra car in the driveway at home is my Dad's shiny new Prius, and I'll probably be trading my van in for something that doesn't break every 500 miles in a couple of months anyway, my parents asked me if I'd switch with them so Tico could use the van for his teenage hijinks. Mom said it was good for a 15 year old boy's ego to drive around in a weird-smelling 1993 minivan.

So anyways, it is a brilliant car. It's a hybrid so it gets like 60 miles to the gallon and you get to feel like a hippie. When I walk up to it (with the key in my pocket) the door automatically unlocks, and then I push a button to start it. It has a GPS and you can type in where you're going and this girl will say, "turn right here" and you can rebel and it will reroute you. AND, the CD player is in the front, unlike my van, where the CD player was under my legs.
I've already made a decision not to fall in love with it because a) I would just be on the rebound, and more importantly, b) I don't think I can afford the monthly payments. Unless I make the decision to subsist only on ramen noodles and canned peas. If I did that, all my hair would probably fall out, and I'm too vain to embrace baldness at 24.

I gotta go get ready for church. I'll blog about my first week at work later.

Now I'm 24

On Thursday night we had our honoring of hands ceremony at my school, and one of the midwives who I worked with this summer gave this photo to me and said, "hey, one of the patients you delivered brought this picture of you and her baby to her 6 week postpartum visit." On the back of the photo is this awesome thank-you note from the patient, talking about how happy she was with her birth and how much she appreciated my help and encouragement during her labor!!! Umm, yeah. So I was pretty much thrilled and showing everybody and jumping around. I'm still pretty excited about it.

This morning I woke up and discovered that I was sleeping with several pine needles, dust bunnies, and black specks, so I decided to wash my sheets. My Mom tells me that normal people usually wash their sheets weekly, and I think I'm going to give it a go, as part of my preparation-for-being-out-of-school-and-being-a-real-person plan. That's actually all I've thought of for that plan so far.

Anyways who cares, because do you know what? We have cable! and wireless internet!! And my patients really like me! And it's fabulous, I'm never going to leave my house again. One time I met this guy who told me he was really lonely when he first moved to Nashville, so he decided to get satellite TV and TiVo. He said after that things got a lot better, because he had something to do after work.

This morning I was flipping through the channels during breakfast, when I came across Dean Cain, my old friend from 8th grade. When I was 13, my best friend Jennie & I used to watch Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman every Sunday night. I made a collage of him for my room and we both wrote him letters, to which he replied with a postcard that said something like "Super wishes!" --Dean. I saw every episode up until he and Lois finally got married, when the whole show totally went downhill.
Since that was ten years ago I was psyched to find him back on tv. Unfortunately, he was playing in some geeky movie on the SciFi channel where a giant dragon was flying around eating people, but he still looked exactly the same, and by that I mean he looked awesome.

So, I am fully moved into my new house and I LOVE it. I forgot how it was to live with people who are your friends: it's really great. When we get home from work we talk about our days and sometimes we eat dinner together and watch movies.

Last night for my birthday, Christian & Glenn & Linda took me out for dinner and then we went back to their place for a movie. We watched Memento, and then Glenn tried to explain what he wants to do his doctoral dissertation on, and by then I was so tired that my brain could only handle one complicated concept at a time. But it was all really fun. I got a big box from my family to open, and Christian gave me a candle, and Linda gave me an Amelie poster in Chinese, and Em sent a card and earrings that she made. I also bought myself a jacket, but that's a story I'll write about later.

Okay, so awhile ago I found this necklace I really liked on the internet for $120. Last week while I was bored in Nashville I decided to try and copy it. Since I hadn't looked at the picture for a few weeks, I sort of forgot what it looked like, so it's not exactly the same, but still close, huh? I was really proud of myself. It cost like $8 to make.

At the star

Welp, I've moved, and we have no internet yet. So just give me another week and I'll be back. Yeah. I have a lot to say, but I'm reduced to using coffee shops for email checking purposes only. So eat it.

Nothing ever happens on Mars

So Linda and I drove down south a few days ago to be with the family. She's alternately packing and stalking her friends. I'm flopping around reading Harry Potter with Christie and petting the cats and going to the dentist and getting my van fixed, in other words, I'm not very busy. In the evenings we've been watching movies "as a family." Last night Maria Elena brought over arroz con pollo and flan to celebrate Linda leaving and it was brilliant. Real food, not from a restaurant or the freezer: it's a good thing.

I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to move all my stuff next week. I've got 4 or 5 large pieces of furniture, and some of them won't fit in my van. I've already tried the whole batting my eyes at dudes with pick-up trucks thing, and it's not working. It takes 2 trips to get all the big stuff moved, and since I'm moving sort of far away, and can only move 3 of the 5 items myself, I can't just ask someone I barely know. I feel like I'd have to at least be dating the guy to ask him to help me with all that. :)

So I've been asking around about how much it costs to rent a trailer, but then, half of the drive involves mountains and the van is seriously struggling lately. And I don't even know if it's worth it. My couch is from Goodwill, but I have this awesome dresser from Pier 1 that I love. Maybe I should just sell it all on Craigslist, since there is a definite possibility I'll be moving again after this semester, and assuming I'm not dating a cowboy by then, I'd have the same problem.

I told my Dad after the van finally dies, I need a pick-up truck. He looked pained and mumbled something about bad gas mileage.

The current moving plan is to make my Aunt and Uncle drive up with me in their real (non-mini) van and load up and bring it all back and unload in one day. 10 hours of driving. They said they'd do it. Eek! Can you imagine? Should I tell them my room is on the 2nd floor? Should I tell them it probably won't all fit in one trip? Should I just sell my $40 Target bookshelves and buy new ones when I get there?

Moving always makes me feel small and grateful. I wish I could do it all by myself and not make really nice people get hot and sweaty. I guess I could if I slept on an air mattress and went back to entirely plastic collapsible furniture.

I told my mom that her van stinks, and she said "no way, YOUR van smells worse than mine!" and then we both said we didn't smell anything in our respective vans. Maybe car stink is like house stink, and you only smell it if you're not used to it. Because her van definitely smells like wet dog. I know my van doesn't actually smell fresh, but I didn't think it hit you in the face or anything. Anyways. I'm so glad the internet can know my thoughts on this issue now.

The last thing I want to say is that Lydia and Eric are married now, and it was a fun wedding. They memorized their vows, which impressed me. I've never seen that done before, and I don't think I'd be able to do it without messing it up, but they pulled it off. For the sermon the whole wedding party sat down, which made me nervous, of course, but the ceremony was over in an hour: perfect. At the reception there were different kinds of cakes she had friends bake and they were really good, like "oooh, taste this" good. Lots of the girls from school came, and Wim came, and of course everybody from church came, and I got to introduce them all to Linda, and it was so fun. For part of the reception I was the only link between the people at my table and I got to pick the topics of conversation and feel all popular. There was no alcohol, but on the plus side, the musicians they hired were attractive and sang songs that I knew.

Before the ceremony started Linda made friends with one of my classmates, and had loud whispered arguments about who was the most attractive groomsman. It was REALLY embarrassing, especially because they were still talking about it by the time we were in the receiving line. And they weren't whispering by then. Everyone heard them.

Okay I gotta go. Congratulations to Ben, who was also supposed to be getting married on the 13th!! I wish I could have been in both places at once. I hope it rocked.

Eric, Lydia, and I.