At the star

Welp, I've moved, and we have no internet yet. So just give me another week and I'll be back. Yeah. I have a lot to say, but I'm reduced to using coffee shops for email checking purposes only. So eat it.

Nothing ever happens on Mars

So Linda and I drove down south a few days ago to be with the family. She's alternately packing and stalking her friends. I'm flopping around reading Harry Potter with Christie and petting the cats and going to the dentist and getting my van fixed, in other words, I'm not very busy. In the evenings we've been watching movies "as a family." Last night Maria Elena brought over arroz con pollo and flan to celebrate Linda leaving and it was brilliant. Real food, not from a restaurant or the freezer: it's a good thing.

I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to move all my stuff next week. I've got 4 or 5 large pieces of furniture, and some of them won't fit in my van. I've already tried the whole batting my eyes at dudes with pick-up trucks thing, and it's not working. It takes 2 trips to get all the big stuff moved, and since I'm moving sort of far away, and can only move 3 of the 5 items myself, I can't just ask someone I barely know. I feel like I'd have to at least be dating the guy to ask him to help me with all that. :)

So I've been asking around about how much it costs to rent a trailer, but then, half of the drive involves mountains and the van is seriously struggling lately. And I don't even know if it's worth it. My couch is from Goodwill, but I have this awesome dresser from Pier 1 that I love. Maybe I should just sell it all on Craigslist, since there is a definite possibility I'll be moving again after this semester, and assuming I'm not dating a cowboy by then, I'd have the same problem.

I told my Dad after the van finally dies, I need a pick-up truck. He looked pained and mumbled something about bad gas mileage.

The current moving plan is to make my Aunt and Uncle drive up with me in their real (non-mini) van and load up and bring it all back and unload in one day. 10 hours of driving. They said they'd do it. Eek! Can you imagine? Should I tell them my room is on the 2nd floor? Should I tell them it probably won't all fit in one trip? Should I just sell my $40 Target bookshelves and buy new ones when I get there?

Moving always makes me feel small and grateful. I wish I could do it all by myself and not make really nice people get hot and sweaty. I guess I could if I slept on an air mattress and went back to entirely plastic collapsible furniture.

I told my mom that her van stinks, and she said "no way, YOUR van smells worse than mine!" and then we both said we didn't smell anything in our respective vans. Maybe car stink is like house stink, and you only smell it if you're not used to it. Because her van definitely smells like wet dog. I know my van doesn't actually smell fresh, but I didn't think it hit you in the face or anything. Anyways. I'm so glad the internet can know my thoughts on this issue now.

The last thing I want to say is that Lydia and Eric are married now, and it was a fun wedding. They memorized their vows, which impressed me. I've never seen that done before, and I don't think I'd be able to do it without messing it up, but they pulled it off. For the sermon the whole wedding party sat down, which made me nervous, of course, but the ceremony was over in an hour: perfect. At the reception there were different kinds of cakes she had friends bake and they were really good, like "oooh, taste this" good. Lots of the girls from school came, and Wim came, and of course everybody from church came, and I got to introduce them all to Linda, and it was so fun. For part of the reception I was the only link between the people at my table and I got to pick the topics of conversation and feel all popular. There was no alcohol, but on the plus side, the musicians they hired were attractive and sang songs that I knew.

Before the ceremony started Linda made friends with one of my classmates, and had loud whispered arguments about who was the most attractive groomsman. It was REALLY embarrassing, especially because they were still talking about it by the time we were in the receiving line. And they weren't whispering by then. Everyone heard them.

Okay I gotta go. Congratulations to Ben, who was also supposed to be getting married on the 13th!! I wish I could have been in both places at once. I hope it rocked.

Eric, Lydia, and I. 

Sophia the flower girl 

After breakfast at Pancake Pantry 

This is part of my new living room... 

Linda made us order this even though we were full. 

Lisa and I at graduation 

Me with my chai 

Stop it, Maddy...

Right now Linda's sitting on my couch talking on her cell again, using phrases like "oh my gosh they broke up again? No way!" But it's okay.
I've finished the summer semester, and she's been here for almost a week. It's gone by fast. We've been shopping, swing dancing, to the movies, cooking, highlighting, rock climbing, to the library, to church, a graduation, and out to eat at all my favorite places. Also we've been to Starbucks a lot because contrary to her personal belief, she is addicted to caffeine and a total slug until she gets some. Today we went to meet up with one of her new roommates, to see her room, and to check out my new house. It was fun. I got really excited to move in and took lots of pictures. Oh yeah! That's the other thing! I got a new camera. It rocks.
Well that's mostly why I haven't written, because I've been doing so much stuff. I'm a much more faithful blogger when I'm having a slow school life of boring.
By the way, I did really good on my final exams! I was happy. Even the oral. Even the presentation.
When we got back we went to Shakespeare in the Park and saw "A Winter's Tale" which was brilliant. We remembered a blanket. I was glad I lived here. Except that there was a couple on a blanket next to us eating some really garlicky Italian food that kept wafting. We were making faces about it when the girl in front of us went over to them and was all "I just want to tell y'all, I am totally inspired to bring my dinner with me next time I come to this! That garlic smells soo good!"
Okay so here's a bunch of pictures from our time so far. I got inspired by Em's big picture posting frenzy the other day and my new camera. I had lots more of Linda eating and of my house but I thought that might be overkill.

Back to classes

Here's a picture of some pregnant belly dancers. There were 3 of them at our Annual Meeting (of all the midwives) in DC this summer--it was really funny.

This week I'm back in classes. My presentation went fine, and there were a lot of other interesting presentations too. It is fun to be with my classmates again, and sleep at night and be awake during the day. My hours this week are 9-4, so no shameless requests for schedule sympathy this time.

I've been studying a lot because I've got my oral exam on Thursday and my comprehensive exam on Friday, then I'm done with the semester! I've got a few weeks off. My plan is to spend the first one with Linda, the second one at home, and the third one moving. Then I come back to Nashville for a week of classes and to get my hands honored. Honoring of hands is a ceremony that we have before going off to Integration, the last semester of midwifery school. It's put on by our faculty and supposedly involves lots of handholding, feminist blessings (not praying!), music and crying. All the husbands & boyfriends get to come watch and feel awkward. I like that I am going into a profession that requires me to learn hand skills, but I'm sure this'll be interesting.

I think my brief flirtation with lice is over, so you can just go ahead and relax Christie.
Linda's coming the day after tomorrow! I can't wait. I've got so much I want to show her. I might actually pick her up from the airport too if she ever sends me her flight info.

Yesterday I went to the pet store and looked around at the rodents, birds, and fish. It was fun, but I didn't want any. The ferrets were all flopped out on their backs sleeping and looked dead. There was a little girl there picking out pet mice. Out of probably 20 white mice, she picked out 2 specific ones and put her fingers on the glass to keep track of where they were in the cage. It was cute. I would like to have a cat, but I need to wait until I'm not moving around as much, since having a cat limits your roommate and housing choices a lot. Sort of like being a smoker.
I should probably go back to sleep now.

Let them eat cake

Ok, so I'm subtracting Dooce from my links, because she's been so nasty lately. So everybody go check it out. Just kidding. In her place I'm going to try Opinionistas, an equally sarcastic, less well-balanced blogger big-shot who pretty much only writes about work, which she HATES. But it doesn't make you feel sorry for her. It just makes you think, "I never want to be a lawyer. Why would anyone want to be a lawyer?"

I'm really proud of myself this week for doing those 5 shifts in a row. I keep trying to slip the fact that I worked 60 hours this week into conversation, but so far no one's (Em!) impressed. I can't think of anyone to call and show off to, although I keep considering those who laugh at my lamer jokes, like Susan and a couple of the Pribyls.

***Lice Update***
No more bugs noted. Itchy if I think about it. Mild dandruff vs. egg cases?
Working off suggestions from multiple advisors, I found myself in Kroger's self-checkout aisle, buying some hastily selected nit combs after work on Thursday. I combed my hair out for an hour. I didn't find anything.
Maybe it was a boy louse.
Next step: dandruff shampoo.
P.S. Guys, I can't cut my hair off. Don't forget about the Q-Tip of '03. Or the Mushroom of '02. I'm going for Pocahontas, without the tan. Or fringe-y dress.
***
Today I wrote a big bad research paper that's been hanging over my head all semester. I feel relieved but gross since I did nothing else today. You know that stay-homey, never get all the way dressed for the day, hungry every 2 hours thing? That's what I did.

It's a review of 10 research articles. I did mine on Depo-Provera and whether it REALLY causes irreversible bone loss or if the black box warning was just a freak out.
I concluded that it was a freak out.
It's not the most interesting topic in the world to research, but I am so over picking out controversial abstinence education or post-abortion syndrome stuff and then searching around for 20 hours (in the actual library, because it's not available on the internet) to find the 3 current articles that exist on the subject. Actually I've only done controversial once that I can remember. But I usually pick stuff that I care about more.

For my next trick, I'm going to do a presentation Monday about letting women eat and drink in labor. I'm excited. Because at our hospital the rules are: sips and chips for everyone, unless they're on magnesium sulfate. Then all you get are ice chips. That's it. Hope you don't have a 3 day labor. I can't imagine doing something so draining without having eaten at least something small and non-barfy. One time I heard someone (can't remember who) explaining to a patient that she wasn't really hungry because she was getting IV fluids. Haven's friend who had twins checked out of the hospital to go eat and then came back when she was done.

Listen, what people need to do is not ask permission. Don't ask if you are allowed to have your 6 best friends in the room for the birth, because then the nurse has to say "hospital policy is 2." Don't ask if you are allowed to have coffee, which isn't actually clear. Don't ask if you are allowed to get out of bed, or take off your blood pressure cuff that's been going off every 15 minutes since you arrived even though all your readings are normal. Don't ask if you can rip your IV out...ok just kidding. The last night I was there, this non-epidural patient asked if she could get up to go poop. The nurse said no and "I don't want you to push your baby out on the toilet!" She was 1 cm/50%/-2 and barely contracting. But okay, this was a wacked-out nurse. She was pretty unusual- like arguing with the midwife I was working with about when to give antibiotics, and telling really loud irrelevant stories to the patient at 2 am. Technically I think I am allowed to tell her to lay off but she would have made me pay for it. I guess I could have lured her away like, "Hey Z, come tell me more about your PMS, they're sleeping in there."

So anyways, that's how I feel about it. :)

I like getting worked up about it.
I think my body's still on nights.
Even though I took a hangoveriffic Unisom.
She was a really nice last patient.

Permethrin 1%

Before I go to sleep for the day, I have a confession. 2 nights ago I had just finished combing out my hair after a shower, when I noticed a tiny BUG on my comb. A nefarious, louse-y looking one. Whatever, I don't share brushes! I don't get my hair braided on mission trip beaches! I haven't been trying on fancy hats at JC Penneys! Of course, immediately I started feeling itchy and looking for bugs and egg cases in my hair but I couldn't find any. I contemplated taking the bug upstairs to ask my roommate if it looked like lice to her, but we're almost friends by now, so...nah. Instead I decided to test the insect, by giving a strand of hair and seeing if it was able to cling to it and walk along, hoping that this would reveal its identity. Well folks, it was able to cling alright. He was a clinger. I flushed him. But then I thought, that was a really weird looking louse...maybe it was a crab!! What if I have pubic lice on my HEAD??? (Right, I wouldn't want my parasite to be in the wrong place or anything) I should have saved him so I could bring it to work and ask the nurses! Then I remembered that crabs pretty much have to be sexually transmitted, and are usually darker in color, so I abandoned that idea. I haven't found anymore bugs since then, so they're either incubating in the back of my head somewhere, or I was just having a big prissy freak out. I'll just...keep you all posted. The world needs to know. Funny that I'm saying all this right after advertising my rather lax hygiene rules in my last title post, huh?

While I'm confessing stuff, let me say to Em's Mom and my Mom and any other Moms who will think me pathetic that I have never read Pride & Prejudice, only seen the movie. But I've seen it a lot! And I even know about that part where their heads move in slow motion during the dance! And I feel like I really get it! But I do wonder what Mr. Collins would have looked like inside my head if I had imagined him first. I mean, did Jane Austen really mean him to have such greasy hair or is that an artistic liberty? Did Victorians even talk about grease?

So anyways. Last night was brilliant. I had a birth, number 12, with my favorite midwife, who let me do everything, and it was so fun.
My main goal last night was not to be such a wuss like I usually am, and make decisions on the spot without asking everyone if they think it's a good idea first. I'm also working on noticing stuff outside of just the woman's bottom and how effective her pushing is. I tend to be really focused and ignore other important things like, say, the fetal heart rate. :) Other stuff I'm trying to keep track of at the same time: how long she's been pushing, if her bladder's getting full and getting in the way, her energy level, the vibe of the room, and whether I'm encouraging her enough or if I've gotten too distracted to talk out loud. It's really hard to make my brain do all that at once, but it's fun too, because I can feel myself getting better at it and that is exciting. I'm glad I'm going to be a midwife. God's good to me.

New subject. Guys, thanks for all the fun comments, I really like getting them. It makes this a lot more fun than writing in my journal. But let's just get this straight, "Susan" is not our terribly smashing, muppet-loving, commercial-making Philadelphian camp counselor, so don't be deceived. This Susan is the homeschool enthusiast, forestry major, clinique bonus time, chicken-lover from FL who passed on her genes to me. Unfortunately, she doesn't see Keira Knightley's clear skankiness as frankly as the rest of us do, but at least she doesn't think Sarah Michelle Gellar would make a good Jane. That was my particularly rotten idea. :)

If you haven't left your house in 24 hours, you don't have to take another shower

I feel better today, I guess I'm just getting excited to go back to clinicals, and I'm listening to Coldplay. I've knocked out a bunch of assignments in these days off, and today there's a TBS movie marathon with Only You, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, and You've Got Mail. So even if work is boring, I'll have something to do. Did I ever mention that I love Sister Act 2? Fabulous movie. Probably my favorite sequel. The first one sucks. But Rita Marie Watson is great. Only You is not particularly good, but I've seen it a lot, so it's like an old friend. I hate how she always has her mouth open.

Did anyone else hear that they are redoing Pride & Prejudice, with some unknown guy who isn't even cute, and tacky Keira Knightley as Lizzie?! (that's her in the picture) In a rare moment of shallow celebrity talk Em and I were trying to recast it the other day. We voted in Matthew McConaughey for Mr. Darcy...and then couldn't think of anyone else for Jane or Elizabeth. Okay I'm getting embarrassed now.
You know what smells gross in an immediately recognizable way? That smell when a vacuum cleaner sucks up water and gets all hot.

Night shift

Arg I woke up today at 3pm, and I don't like this sleeping during the day being up all night stuff anymore. Only 5 more days of nights and then I'm done with clinicals for the summer, and I'm going to start living like a normal person again. The only good thing is that I don't have to eat breakfast food when I wake up, I can just go straight to lasagna! Also I'm spending less money because there's nowhere to go in the middle of the night. But it feels gross. Okay back to studying.

Hans-Sellout

Okay last night on a whim I took myself to Wedding Crashers. It's been getting bad reviews, but I like Owen Wilson, generally disagree with reviewers, and don't want to do schoolwork so what the heck, right? I should've gotten the new Harry Potter instead, it was lame. One of those movies where the funniest parts were the ones you already saw in the trailers. Too many musical montages, one of them ending with lots of partial nudity and several sex scenes.
And okay, I believe that homosexuality is a sin, but I was uncomfortable with the way the movie represented the token homosexual character. He was socially inept, poorly dressed, artistic, and very sexually aggressive, a total weirdo with sticking-up hair. On the other hand, pretty much all the characters were cartoonishly portrayed: the crashers themselves are selfish guys seeking to deceive women into sleeping with them, the women are naive, clingy and foolish, the grandparents are crazy, the father is protective, blah blah blah. So maybe it shouldn't have bothered me that they caricatured the gay guy- it was just a shallow movie.

There was an article in the newspaper recently about an undercover operation that the police did to trap homosexuals that were trading drugs for sex. They had someone pose as a gay man on an internet dating site, and then told a guy who responded to bring drugs and meet him, and then it was really the police. The article was all about pointing out how they were targeting gays and not heterosexuals with this sting, and it wasn't fair, and how the cops were a bunch of redneck fundamentalists who arrested the guy with a lot of unnecessary force, you get their drift.
The next week, a gay guy wrote a letter to editor complaining about the way they were portraying homosexuals, like scary sexual solicitors who are all junkies. This was a little confusing, because the article actually made the guy sound like this totally innocent victim of police brutality, you know, just exercising his lifestyle choosing rights. But I think the letter-writer's point was, gay people aren't all about drugs and random hookups, why are you contributing to the stereotype?

Sort of interesting, right? I don't think stereotypes are something that are inherently wrong, I think they are built on our experiences, are useful, and that they happen no matter what. They are helpful in lots of cases. In medicine, we use assumptions to diagnose problems, for example, if someone has a temperature, they probably have an infection. That's what our experience has been. It's usually a physiologic response to bacteria or viruses. There are lots of other possible explanations, though (they just drank hot chocolate, they've been under all the covers, they think you're cute.) In the same way, if I'm in a parking lot at 2 am and I see a homeless-looking guy leering at me, I'm out of there. I'm not going to stick around and see if he's actually a cool guy who just needs to take a shower. I've never been attacked by a homeless person, but I've also had very few positive experiences with them. And more bad things happen at night.

So actually now I'm being inconsistent, because I started out by saying I didn't like the way Wedding Crashers trafficked in stereotypes. And now I'm saying that they can't be avoided and that I'm glad they protect me from drunken homeless dudes. Maybe I can separate it out, and say that I just don't like stereotypes in movies. But that's not true either, because I loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Well, whatever. Maybe I was just having a liberal moment. I'm hungry now. So like I said, Wedding Crashers isn't that good. Go get Harry Potter instead, but don't spoil it for me. I'm waiting till after finals and the halfway mark in Brothers K.

P.S. Here's a picture from a much better moment in Owen Wilson's career, when he did Zoolander.

A good night and a scary story

Well, I'm sitting around at clinicals waiting for my shift to be over. You know what comes on TBS in the middle of the night? Lots of Pauly Shore. And something called Mama's Family, which is not even entertaining. Sometimes I actually switch from Mama's Family to ESPN, that's how bad it is.
I'm not actually in a bad mood. I had 2 awesome births tonight. 2! 2 in one shift!!!! One of them was to a very heavy woman. Her baby came out with its eyes open and staring and it was a little scary looking, even though nothing was wrong. Suturing her was a real nightmare, I couldn't do it. It was like the needle wasn't long enough or something, it kept getting lost in all the tissue. And we were just using local anesthesia, since she had gone unmedicated, so there wasn't a lot of room to be messing around.
My next girl was skinny and popped out a 9 pound baby. Even the placenta was heavy. We got the residents to repair her, because she had a 3rd degree. Most midwives only repair 1st and 2nds. When you tear into the rectal capsule, a doctor has to fix it.

Hey! I haven't posted in awhile! Well, 2 nights ago the scariest thing ever happened, a cord prolapse. This woman's baby was really high and occiput posterior, and we couldn't figure out why he wasn't coming down. It wasn't a huge baby and her pelvis was normal-sized, it could've fit. Anyways, she had been laboring for a long time, like 2 days, and the head still wouldn't come down. We had just talked the husband into grabbing himself some food, and it was just me and and the other midwife in there. All of the sudden her water broke, and it was crazy, like a huge gush that kept coming. The patient started panicking, and she only spoke Arabic, and her husband was still gone. The midwife checked her and felt a hand and a cord in front of the head. I was struggling to find the heartbeat with the doppler all over her belly, but I couldn't so the midwife put a scalp electrode in. I pushed the help button and the room filled with people, which sucked because she was Muslim and didn't want guys in there. I doubt she noticed though. She was freaking out, pushing the nurses away as they tried to shave her belly and put the catheter in to get ready for the section. I was holding her hand and sitting on the edge of the bed, trying not to sit in all the amniotic fluid, and she was like grabbing up my arm and pulling my shoulder down and climb up me or something. I was talking to her and stroking her head and trying to get her to be calm, and then she said very clearly in English, "where is my husband?" and someone went and got him.
The other midwife rode the gurney into the OR because she had to keep the baby's head from putting pressure on the cord, and I got the husband in a mask and gown and explained to him what had happened while we ran down the hall after them.
They had to put her under general anesthesia because there was no time for an epidural. She went to sleep terrified, even when her husband was there talking to her. She had an artificial airway and her eyelids taped shut.
The only good thing was, we had talked to this family about the risk of cord prolapse a lot because the baby was so high. The husband had asked tons of questions, and I tried to answer them, and he translated for her. So they both understood why she was getting an emergency c-section.
Anyways, everything was fine, baby looked great. It was just really scary. I felt kind of paralyzed when it started happening, still looking for lots of direction from the midwife, like "uhh, should I get some towels?" as the fluid gushes out. I did start looking for the heartbeat on my own, but the midwife had to remind me to call for help. It made me nervous...I need to be able to handle emergencies on my own. After it was over I just thought, I change my mind, I am never doing homebirths! She had no risk factors or anything.
Okay I gotta go for now. Saved by the Bell is coming on.

Longer letter later. (when I have better stories)

Today's picture is of my ex-roommate Lydia, who will be getting married next month, to Eric here. She's my favorite person in midwifery class. Some things I like about Eric are: 1. He's helped me move twice
2. He's not awkward in a group of strangers
3. He introduced me to Qdoba's queso dip
4. He gets Lydia creative presents

This is an interesting interview with an African economist, who thinks aid organizations like the UN World Food Program should pull out of Africa. He says they do more harm than good, because they are undercutting the economy there, (i.e. local growers lose business when we send free food) and because corrupt politicians grab all the resources as soon as they're sent over. I wish I had taken one of those community development-style economics classes we had at Covenant.

I saw a doctor Tuesday, the guy who writes my prescription every month. He likes to actually see me in person every year. Here's what he asked me:
Any health issues? Nope.
Do you exercise? Yes. (this was a lie, which I justified by saying to myself, "I walk around a lot when I'm at the hospital" and "he didn't ask, do you get aerobic exercise?")
Are you up to date on all your Paps and STD screening? Technically, no. But thanks for asking.

Then he listened to my heart, took my pulse, blood pressure and weight. It was kind of fun but it made me nervous, like I was being tested, and I just wanted to pass and tell him what he wanted to hear. It gave me a new respect for the women I had in prenatal care last semester, who'd tell me they smoked 11 cigarettes a day, and I'd give them the speech, and then the next month they'd ashamedly tell me they still smoked 11 cigarettes a day.

Yesterday I got really far into the Brothers K. The first, oh, one hundred pages were not that interesting, but it's getting much better now. I need to make a significant dent in it before Harry Potter comes out.
I gotta go study for a newborn test. It's not that fun...don't be jealous. I'm working 5 shifts in a row starting tomorrow...the first 2 are days and the last 3 are nights. Eek.

math genius!

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Rocks and birthdays

Finally done with the paper!!! I am very relieved. If anyone needs me, I'll be in Starbucks with the Brothers K, celebrating.

Today I was in a gross mechanic's waiting room, trying to write the paper, and this really old man came in and tried to make conversation. I was nice but didn't offer any openers, because I was cranking the paper out. Then another really old man came in, and they talked about biscuits and gravy and blackberry pie until they realized that they used to play baseball together as kids. When old man number 2 left, the first guy leaned over and said, "I didn't want to say it in front of him, but they beat us almost every time we played, so we'd rock them pretty bad afterward!"
This didn't actually make any sense, so I asked him what he meant. He said, "throw rocks at em! Sure!! Well-I mean, they'd always throw them back at us too!" There's really nothing you can say to that, so I laughed inappropriately and then went to the bathroom.

In other news, our favorite Jackie's 24th birthday is today! So give her a call if you are her friend, it'll be a nice vacation from thinking about boxes and moving trucks. Also, if you forgot Tami, she might still forgive you if you can find her. Her birthday was Saturday. That's her up there in today's picture, with me eating my hair.

Last night i watched this great documentary on Russian brides--not mail order brides, but close. Apparently Russian men are scarce and lots have big struggles with infidelity and laziness and alcoholism, and so when 23 year old divorced-with-kids Ina met 55 year old John-from-LA who is geeky but kind and rich, everyone's happy. The documentary was kind of portraying it like, "oh, look at these sad beautiful Russian women, they are so desperate to get out that they'll marry these losers" but it didn't seem that sad to me. They were showing the women in these big fancy houses, painting pictures because they don't have to work, and going to sunny parks with the kids, the chubby new husband, and the au pair. I mean sheesh. It's probably just as much of a compromise for the guy, who has to wonder if she's only using him.