I'm ok.

Life is okay guys, don't worry about me too much. I am trying to be very busy, and so far I have been. I want to be distracted. I was on call this weekend and had 4 deliveries. That's decently busy, and they were all during the daytime, so that was cool, and I made plans in the evenings to be with people. And then last night for the first time I saw that one who was taking up space in my head, and he was so unambiguously uninterested (and "doing so great!") that it hurt my feelings. I guess I was hoping my absence had caused a little pain. But that actually helps a lot, because it is kind of hard for me to sustain any sort of wistfulness about a relationship when the other party could care less. So yeah. Whatev. On to the next, taw taw. I'm just going to keep buying myself flowers and fancy ice cream.

Today it was so cold that I got to wear my Oxford coat, the long one, which was fun. I still hate cold weather.

Linda's coming to see me tonight so one of the cars driving by is actually going to be for me this time.

January needs to end

I'm watching American Idol. I saw 25, maybe 26 patients today and I feel all used up. I don't actually know if that's a respectable amount to be exhausted by, but I am. Today at lunch I bought some Doritos out of the machine, but they wouldn't come out, so I was throwing myself against the vending machine and then the office manager saw me and laughed and called me a waif and hit it once and it fell out. I think I was just doing it wrong.

Disconnected

I just paid my bills. I have $100 in my bank account now. I think I'm doing something wrong. At least I get paid Thursday.

Every time I hear a car drive by, I get all hopeful that someone is coming to see me. So I either put music on or leave the house.

Yesterday was cold and rainy all day, and I built a fire in my fireplace and read a whole book.

I need a new vacuum cleaner. Mine doesn't suck anymore.

I ate a giant sandwich for dinner. The bread was kind of scratchy. I couldn't finish it all.

You know how I said I wasn't dying? I sort of am today.

It's January, and I want to go to Lake Tahoe with Dawn next month, but tickets to CA are like $400.

I have to be at the hospital so early tomorrow morning!!! So why am I still awake?!

Saturday morning in the carpet capital

This is all the girls at the Bechtel's house after church. That's why April and Rachel are so dressed up. The middle picture is me and Chris at the Anheuser-Busch brewery. (edit--um, I don't know what happened to that picture...I was trying to get rid of the extra spaces and I deleted it and now it won't go back. Maybe I can post it separately.)

So I got cable yesterday, guys. Mostly because I want to see American Idol and the Office. Anyways, I watched an hour of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was totally sucked in by the commercials for the shows that were coming on in the next few hours...then I turned it off and went to go see Nicky in Chattanooga. She and James and I went out to Panera and then we watched some of this show called Wives and Daughters that she got from Netflix.

Here's something weird. This morning my neighbors got up around nine, went downstairs, and started watching a suspenseful movie. I can hear them now.

I'm still nervous about becoming like that guy in Nashville, the one who said he was lonely when he moved there until he got cable. Because it was really fun to watch tv. I didn't think about anything...I didn't think about my patients, or what to eat for dinner, or where I'm going to live when my lease is up this May, or if I should try to get a different job, or that guy and how he hasn't called, or how I'm getting older and don't actually like my life that much right now. It was like checking out. Maybe I should just try not to freak out so much when I'm awake.

I was reading my archives this morning, and I feel like things are so different from what they were a year ago, when I first graduated. I've been a midwife for a year. I've lived alone in a new city for 8 months now. I've gotten to the place where I don't feel nervous going into a birth anymore. I feel like I'm ready for a new challenge.

And that's the way it is

I've spent the last two evenings reading that Alaska book on my couch, with Stan Getz playing in the background (not too invasive, but prevents me from feeling like I am just...alone with the heater and the refrigerator around for company.) It was a good book, entertaining in spite of its lamentable cover. The woman acts like an idiot occasionally, particularly in regards to her boyfriend, but its mostly a lot of good stories about being on a boat and fishing and running a lodge in Alaska. When I finished I wanted to send it to someone. It's kind of similar to Mrs. Mike.

I bought it and another book on Thursday last week. I also bought myself some non-carnation grocery store flowers to put in my new vase from the Cheneys.
I'm sort of sad right now because someone who was previously taking up a lot of space in my life/head now is not. Because I told him not to anymore. Again. Yeah. So it's okay, our conversation really couldn't have gone any better than it did, I'm just disappointed. It feels kind of like when you are about to get sick, when you feel all right during the day- and then sort of crappy in the mornings and evenings. I'm not dying. I didn't let myself really get my hopes up this time, I was a little more careful, but okay, it still sucks. I know I'm being vague. I don't want to say more about it.

Work's been going okay. It's getting easier. I had my 78th birth today after work. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did at first, and most of the hard kind of patients I have now I've dealt with a few times before, so I have a better idea of how to take care of them. One thing that's helped a lot is that the medical assistants have started putting people's weird complaints on post-it notes to me on the chart rather than actually writing it in the chart. If a complaint is actually written in the chart I have to address it and put closure on it somehow, which sucks if its something ridiculous like left-sided bellybutton numbness or something that sounds like a big deal at first, like, "heart problems" and then I ask them more questions and it turns out that they've felt their heart beating really fast when they got stressed at work a couple of times. Right.

The truth is, I was tired at 7:30 tonight when I got home from church. I just made myself stay up longer because I'm 25 and not actually a viejita yet.

Tico is 17 today!

Hi guys,
Here's the update: I'm back in Dalton, in my scrubs, on call for the weekend again. I went to St. Louis to see all those favorites last weekend, it was really fun. Every time I go I wonder why I haven't made more of an effort to live near them. I don't even really care if we are doing stuff, I just like to sit around with them. Good times.

When I got home on Sunday night, Linda was just pulling into my driveway (she was coming back to school). She brought Christie with her. She's been here all week with me, so that's been cool. We've been going out to eat and going shopping and watching movies and stuff. We saw Little Miss Sunshine on Tuesday, I think I liked it...still not sure. I would certainly recommend it if you haven't seen it, I just don't know if I would want to watch it again.

I got a book at the used book store called Fox Island Stories, about a woman who breaks up with her boyfriend and moves to Alaska to work at a wilderness lodge. Sounds kind of fun, right? And it has a stupid looking cover so I was feeling all nonshallow and proud of myself for getting past that. Well so far it's been sort of dumb. It's nonfiction, so I can't really complain, but the first thing she does in Alaska is meet some "rugged fisherman" guy and move in with him in his cute A-frame house. Hardly a story of roughing it and doing something interesting with your loneliness, right? But anyways I'm only on page 24 so I am able to maintain some optimism about the book as a whole. (Just in case you were nervous about that)

I hate January. I'm feeling sort of yucky for lots of reasons. I need to make some plan, because right now I have nothing to look forward to, besides being off call so I can get the heck out of town again. Maybe I'll go to Nashville next weekend. Or Atlanta. Or New York. Well, Christie's just sitting here, so I need to take her out now.

Cruise pictures

Um, okay, so I haven't blogged in like a month. Don't think that it's because anything's going on, friends, because it isn't. :)

I have been sort of busier lately, which is really good, I like that. Last weekend I had a coding conference in Atlanta, and the weekend before I went to Lessons and Carols in Sewanee with my grandfather. This is really the first weekend evening in awhile that I've had without plans or people to hang out with, and it's okay this time. I've been sort of tired all day for no reason, and I'm in the mood to take a bath, burn some candles, write in my journal, and go to bed early.

I'm feeling like I need a change. Like I want to move apartments, or move cities, or just have a different schedule for awhile. Last week Jason helped me rearrange my living room, which was good, but I think I want more change than that.

Have I not said anything at all about the cruise yet? It was fun. Christie and I stayed together, and I actually brought enough clothes this time, and I kind of had a cold the whole time but it was still lovely not to be working for an entire week. And not to have to plan meals for myself. Here's some pictures. They kind of went in weird, so I couldn't caption them all. You guys know who everyone is, though.

Christie's so pretty!

Tico and I

Tico's genius face.

you must not know about me

I got my hair cut again. The girl cut a lot off. Because I told her too. But relax, there was a lot there. And I got bangs, the annoying kind. Right now it looks so good, but it might be another mushroom, we'll see. I tried to take a picture of myself but I just look used up with really good hair. Guess it was sort of a hard week. You can see it on my cruise pictures when I get back.
* I know!! How will you ever wait?!!*

Guys I'll be on the cruise in 48 hours. eeeeeee!

This is a picture of me and Tami. It was taken last weekend. Not Jan. 1st. She came in town for like 5 seconds. Mostly just to tease me and make me taste coffee again. We had fun. I'm not sure, actually, why I have such a big face.

Soooo, the plan for tonight was to stay in and watch my Netflix videos, and process some things that are in the back of my head, and perhaps begin to pack. Unfortunately, something is wrong with the sound on my DVD and everyone's voice is all slow and creepy, and coming out 2 seconds after their mouths move. Of course I'm not REALLY going to pack this early, but I don't really want my Friday night event to be thinking, so here I am distracting myself. Don't you hate it how there has to even be a Friday night "event"? There's way more pressure than with a Tuesday night or something.

I was going to watch a movie with a friend but we moved it to yesterday because today I was inducing this girl, and I had a feeling she would take all night. She was delivered by 8:30 this morning, so uh, yeah. About those feelings I have. They were wrong.

This afternoon we saw patients, even though we never see patients on Friday afternoons, just to try and make up time with the holidays and me being out all next week. People in the office did favors for me all day, I don't know why, but it was fabulous. Maybe because of my new hair. Nancy saw one of my patients so I could eat lunch when I was so starving, and then she took a later lunch. The doctor did an entire new patient visit for me, and Judy helped Maritza find the missing charts she needed so I could leave.

Then I went to the hospital, broke this other lady's water, and watched El Gordo y la Flaca with her until she started getting all pushy. She was one of those ones who moves her baby fast, and she tried to push the head out while I was putting my gloves on, and the nurse was yelling at me to hurry up, and I delivered the baby with my pinky not all the way in the glove yet. That feels so annoying. The pinky, not the fast delivery. I love those. Afterwards I offered her some jugo de oveja. I meant to say grape juice, but then they started laughing at me, and so I tried purple juice, and they were like, "OH, uva!" and then I knew I was an idiot.
My Spanish, guys. It's awesome. Have some sheep juice. You've worked hard.

You know that Irreplaceable song by Beyonce? Of course you do. I think it's mean. But at least she's hot.

Here's some unsolicited advice that I'm giving you, because I'm giving it to myself tonight. If you're tired and it's been a long week, you shouldn't try to stay up late and force yourself to make important decisions. You should just flop around and call your uncomplicated friends and read dumb books and work on your eyebrows.


Here's me and Linda at Olive Garden last week. She doesn't usually smile like that, but you know, she was hungry.

Fall over here

Most of those were pictures from Susan's wedding. She got married last weekend to a guy named Justin, who is wearing an orange shirt in one of the pictures, but actually wore a tuxedo at his wedding. They are going to live 15 minutes away from me, in Calhoun, and get used to my face. Emily and Peter both came down for the wedding, the 3 of us had a good time together. The wedding was fun, too. Emily and I were in it, we wore dresses with really tight armholes. I caught the bouquet, because I dove for it and grabbed it away from some little girls. Just kidding, that's not cool.

Lately I've been less excited about births, but my 55th one was a really great one. It surprised me because this particular couple had been so irritating during her pregnancy, like tons of problems, going to the ER for dumb stuff, calling all the time, refusing to use over the counter treatments because Medicaid wouldn't pay for them, and ignoring my recommendations. But in labor her epidural stopped working, so we got it redosed and that didn't help, so she was basically on her own. She had one freak out, I-can't-do-this episode, but then she closed her eyes, grabbed her mom's hand and her husband's hand, and got it together. She pushed really effectively, and her husband was a decent coach, and I had to make a couple of decisions quickly and they were all the right ones.

At the end the baby's heart rate dropped down low so I cut an episiotomy and told the mom to push harder. (I don't think I'll ever get used to episiotomies. It feels wrong to use scissors to cut someone's skin.) And the cord was around the baby's neck but it wasn't that tight so I was able to slip it off before the rest delivered. I got the baby out fast and she started crying right away, so I put her on the pts. chest instead of handing her to the nursery nurse. That sort of pisses them off I think, because the nursery nurse is just standing there, waiting to get apgars and footprints and examine the baby...but those first moments look pretty unforgettable, so maybe it's worth it. Afterwards I was sewing for almost an hour-bleh. I was proud of myself because the doctor didn't show up until after the placenta was out, and I had it under control. Even when she started to bleed a lot, I remembered what to do and got it to stop. So it was cool. God knows what I need, and it was refreshing to be encouraged in my work.

So that noise. I just looked out my door. Four houses away, someone is washing their car with Spanish rap music playing. It sounds kind of sing-song-y and teasing.

Here's some pictures

Monday night again

Today was really busy. I was running about 45 minutes late with most of my patients. Everybody, it seemed, had some problem, something out of the ordinary; "orange stuff" or "rib pain" or a problem with their pharmacy. I had 7 no show patients from today and Friday, and so I wrote seven "you missed your appointment" letters. That's a weird thing we do at this office. If you don't come to your appointment, we chase you down.

Also, no one had brought money to pay for their Pap smears. I really hate talking about money with people, but I have to frequently. At the same time, it's weird to me that people will come to doctor's appointments with no money at all. Pap smears cost $85.

We had two LPN students following us today. They were nice girls, and they asked a lot of why questions, which is good for me. It was sort of hard to figure out what to show them...I guess I don't really know what LPNs do. I talked about how I was deciding to treat people for their symptoms and diagnosing bacterial infections, but then I stopped because they won't be doing that stuff. It feels strange to be in a position to teach.

Linda came over and we had dinner together at Outback--which was great, as usual. Then we went back to my apartment and she taught me some stuff to study for her management test tomorrow, like operational strategy vs. functional strategy. It was a lot of ideas, the kind that float around in the air and all sound the same. She liked it. I like concrete stuff better. That was something I appreciated about nursing school.

I saw Memoirs of a Geisha. It was okay, not great. At the end I wondered how a guy named Arthur Golden knew all that stuff about Japanese women. Because Arthur Golden sounds like a guy on a cereal box or something.

I was off call this past weekend and I went to Chattanooga and went to a football game, watched movies, and jumped on the trampoline so much that I had to take a shower. And I got new jeans...I hadn't bought any since college I think, so it was time. Two weeks ago some of us went canoeing at Suck Creek, I think I have pictures of that in my computer somewhere...

A. Sparks

I got my hair cut today, here in town, by a girl named Britney. I'm not sure yet, but I think it may be another mushroom. Maybe now that I'm 25 I'll start doing my hair in the mornings. You know how that always happens after you get a haircut? It's like, you tell yourself you're going to start fixing it how they did, but then it never happens.

This morning I woke up from a dream that was so great I got out of bed early to write it down...but it left me before I could. I still have a notebook out. It had something to do with music, guitar and bass and drums, but I can't remember anything else. I should probably have just laid there and let it linger instead of trying to capture it.

Well. My tone is sort of judgmental so far, I think I'll stop that now.

Every day I ride the elevator to work and I think about the elevator inspector, whose name is Amos Sparks. He inspects the elevators in the Medical Plaza and the hospital, and the certificate expires this month. I hope I see him. I bet he's 100 years old.

I saw Christie when I went home on my birthday. We took a series of unflattering pictures together. This is the least offensive.

sweating

Guys, I had a good time at Dawn's wedding, the dancing was fun even though participation wasn't great. We danced for like 2 or 3 hours, and then I went to sing karaoke with some people, with my hair still plasticked up and fancy. The karaoke was at a house. I've never been to a karaoke bar like in Lost in Translation.

I just got back this afternoon. Charleston is seven hours away! What? The last hour and the first hour were the longest. The first hour was so long because I figured out that I had 28 fifteen-minute segments of the trip to finish, so for awhile I was going, "all right! only 26 more of those to go!" That's not actually very encouraging.

So, when I walked into my apartment it felt a little thick, so I walked myself over to the thermostat and saw that it was set on 72 but the actual temperature was 87. It's just blowing out plain unconditioned air, and my cheeks are red. Outside it feels good but the mosquitoes are pretty bad. I called the maintenance guy and he came (!) but said it was the compressor and he couldn't fix it until tomorrow, and then he said no, I couldn't have a hotel room. It was worth a shot, though. There's a ceiling fan in my bedroom, so I'll be all right I hope...especially because I am so tired from this weekend. We were up late every night, and we couldn't sleep in.

On my birthday we had the wedding rehearsal in the morning, out on the beach sort of. I wore a dress. Then we had lunch and I got stuck downtown without a ride back to the hotel. Everyone wanted to walk around but I was trying to get back so I could go see my parents. I called to find out about the hotel shuttle, and they told me 12:30 on the corner of Meeting and East Bay streets, look for an unmarked white 15 passenger van. That was crappy because then I was walking up to every plain white van asking if they were going back to the Hilton. One guy said, no, but I'll give you a ride there....and by then it was 12:50. So I called the hotel back and they said, "what? No, there won't be a shuttle til 2:15." Anyways, what would you have done? Called a cab so you could PAY a strange man to take you back, or gone with this guy? He acted like he didn't feel like taking me, so I thought that was a good sign.

I told him it was my birthday. I'm not sure he believed me. He said I didn't look a day over twenty-one. I'm not actually old enough yet to enjoy that kind of comment. Maybe next year. He was a nice guy, from Boston, I think 28 or 29, worked as a maintenance guy for a taxi company. It was fine. I'll never do it again.

Two weeks later

Just pretend like we're all in a cuckoo clock, and it's ten, so the doors are opening and we're coming out. This is not actually a balcony. It's just a railing with some bars you can stand on, sort of scary. Unfortunately, Jackie was asleep that day. We had such a fun time at Wim's house! He planned out all our meals so we didn't have to go out, and had stuff for us to do while we were there, and beds for everyone. Good job. At my house, there's only one mattress. I don't even have air mattresses. I do have a decent couch, though.

I had two births today. Both of them did great, although the epidurals were less than satisfactory and we had to keep calling the anesthesiologist to come back. If you make the decision to have an epidural, you shouldn't be crying. Your pain should be minimal. That's how I feel about it, anyway. Linda and one of her roommates came over for dinner tonight, I made pesto, and she told me about school. And I opened some birthday presents. Did you ever know that? My birthday is Saturday. I'm going to be 25.
Here's another picture of all of us. I know what you're thinking: where's Steph? Well, guys, that's what I was thinking too. I didn't realize I was all twisted.

This weekend I'm leaving again, for Dawn's wedding in Charleston. Who wants to come with? There's going to be dancing! Do you know, I don't think I've danced at a wedding since the Wykoffs. Not that long ago actually...two years.

For my birthday Linda gave me a big framed picture of some houses on the water in Charleston. It looks good in my living room. She also gave me a fancy vase, and some matching plates and mugs. I don't really have many dishes, so that's helpful. Now when you come over I can feed you. Listen, that is all for now, I have to get up early so I can round on those patients who delivered today before work. Send me a text message on my birthday if you remember- I like those.

remembering this makes me laugh out loud

On Wednesday I was doing a 6 week postpartum visit when I noticed a rather large mole on my patient. I forgot the word for freckle, or mole, so I asked her about the lentil on her neck instead. I don't know why that word was in my head, but I like it. Lenteja!

A record today, guys! 3 births! I've been up since 3:45.

Laura Star stopped by tonight, that nice girl.

This weekend I'm going to Nashvegas, so I'll have some good pictures next time I post. Of those St. Louis types.

More photos

London Bridge

This is who I spent my last day off with. Nicky and James. I'm glad they're finally back from Washington.

Well so far today I've had 3 births. The doctor doesn't even put his gloves on anymore, he just stands there and watches me. I smell like latex. I did two repairs. The second one made me all sweaty and frustrated, and the patient asked me if it was my first time.

I joined Netflix again, because I was starting to go to the claustro-in-the-Kroger Blockbuster, and it's like $4.75 per movie there. Not that I'm becoming a slug that sits on the couch and watches movies every day. I'm still reading a lot and going to the wrong classes at the gym. They have these new things called BOSU balls there, that are like exercise balls chopped in half. You are supposed to step up on them and try to balance, etc. At one point we lined them all up and jumped from one to another while the instructor cheered, and that is when I felt ridiculous. This one instructor who I keep getting, the one who thinks 16 reps is an acceptable number of times to repeat an action, she always uses the same music. Her tape includes that song about "working at the car wash" and "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Fabulous.

The people who live across the street from me are cleaning out their car every other day now, like with a vacuum cleaner. I wonder what they spill in there.















I also hung out with these girls last week on my day off. We went to Olive Garden, because I like that place. The waiter had struggles with everything...bringing water (Laura's a camel), getting enough silverware, bringing the right food. These old roommate types are all going to be in a triathlon on Sunday! They didn't try very hard to talk me into participating, don't worry.

I still like my cats, even though they knock over my plants.
Today I tried to get my patient up out of bed so she could go to the bathroom and the nurse said that was not allowed, because she was on pitocin. I don't think that actually makes any sense. She was only like 6 cm, it's not like the baby was going to come out right then. Anyways the nurse said I would have to write an order if I wanted her out of bed. I didn't feel like making a big deal out of it today, but I will someday, that is so ridiculous.

Later I tried to feed one of my patients and that was vetoed as well, this time by the doctor. The reasoning behind that is, they might end up with an emergency cesarean and be under general anesthesia, and vomit up their stomach contents, then inhale them into their lungs. Then you could get a weird pneumonia and die.

Right. So next time you're hungry in labor, send your husband out for something and don't ask permission. I've said that stuff here before. I think 3 months into a job on temporary hospital privileges is probably too early to start throwing my weight around.

Well, Linda's coming back for more college in a few weeks! That's exciting, another person to hang out with. I don't feel very interesting lately. At night I dream about work, about being in situations where I neglect my responsibilities...like, my pager goes off, and I never hear it, or I've got a patient in labor, and I forget about her. Have I told you about the scrubs I wear? They have snaps. It's easy to get out of practice with snaps as an adult, so it's a good thing.

I got better books from the library this time, guys. I got a John Grisham, Amy Tan, Agatha Christie, and P.G. Wodehouse, who is my favorite.

Anyways, if you were to come visit me, I would make macaroni and cheese and we could sit here with my aggressive un-neutered cats and talk about all the people who are stuck in the airport in London.

Thursday.

I had another birth today, a slow-moving induction that started at 8 and finished around 7. I was back and forth between the hospital and my house all day, and since she had like 12 people there to support her, I wasn't much needed in that capacity. I made a couple of independent decisions that felt like a big deal but actually weren't, but okay, good practice, right? So when the nurse paged me and told me that there was a lot of molding and a few variables, I decided not to go in to the hospital, and when the heart rate was dropping with each contraction I told her to stop the pitocin.

It was a great hot day, and I made myself a brilliant lunch. A big salami sandwich and potato salad and chips and sweet tea...I didn't even need dinner.

When I got home from the birth I called this guy, Alfred, who is supposed to introduce me to a young adults group that meets a couple of times a week in town. A man at church gave me his number. It was brave of me.

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to clean my apartment. Don't try to talk me out of it. It's GOING to happen. Then tomorrow night I'm going to a good-bye dinner for Liz & Todd, which'll be cool. I'm excited---I'm off call all weekend long. But I'm on tonight and I have rounds in the morning so I have to sleep now. I've been getting loads of sleep, it's been nice. At work they are putting my diploma on the wall.

Shirley, the vampire.

Hi Ben H! I just read your blog. I didn't know you had one either. Welp, that's a conversation-stopper.

Yesterday morning at 5:30 I got called in for a birth. An hour and a half later I was back home getting ready. I ate a bowl of cereal, then I got in the shower and threw it all up and thought about not going to work. But I went in anyway, and it was okay. After work I went to the gym and did this "Total Body Conditioning" class that made me die. It was me and 3 other old people who were much more in shape than I, and we hopped and punched and kicked and jumped and looked worse than ridiculous. Let me tell you, doing something sixteen times in a row, really sucks, and so does weight-lifting. Afterwards I felt all melted, like a puddle. After I got home, a nurse from labor & delivery called and said there was a decreased fetal movement patient for me, so I went all sweaty and wearing "Soddy Daisy Wrestling" shorts...and handled the whole thing by myself! It was great. TCD (the doctor I work with) didn't need to come in at all. I felt like a success.

Today has been good too. I wore earrings and makeup and I did rounds on that patient from yesterday before going to the office, and then they ordered lunch for us so I didn't have to eat a gross frozen dinner. Wednesdays are usually the busiest days, and some women waited an hour to be seen. I didn't miss any of my blood draws...I'm getting better. Do you know, there's nurse in this town named Shirley or Shelby or something who is reknown for her blood-drawing skills. She works at the outpatient lab and that's where you send people who you can't stick on your own. After work I got a phone call from a friend who I haven't seen since high school, she told me all about her life now. It's a lot different from mine. She is married to a guy who is off working for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, and she spends all day taking care of her 1 year old. The town she lives in is so small, it doesn't even have a Wal-Mart.

At our Wal-Mart the other day I ran into divorced guy again. The first thing he said to me was, "I don't want you to think I'm following you or anything!" and then he told me a lot of stuff about why he was getting divorced, and his class that he's required to take. It was sort of inapproriate, I'm realizing now. Um, yeah.

I miss my friend Nicky. She needs to come home from stupid Washington already.

One of the books I started has a heroine named Nazneen. I think that's really going to be a struggle for me. Try to think of an uglier combination of letters...I can't.

chicken pot pie

Okay, so I got internet in my apartment today. Wireless and unsecured. I'm sure my neighbors love me. Brilliant.

The bigger news, though, is that as of yesterday afternoon, I got hospital privileges!!!
Since then, I've had 5 births...what the? 2 were vaginal births, that I actually delivered, and the others were sections where I was first assist. That means I stand across from TCD (my employer) and hold stuff. Right. Anyways I didn't try to pass out this time. It turns out that actually being involved in the surgery is less nauseating than standing on the side thinking about the chili I ate for dinner. Gross.

This is what I'm eating right now for dinner, because I am too lazy to go to the grocery or cook. These cost 40 cents, Peter told me about them, and they're kind of gross. All the sodium you can eat.

Okay I got lots of pictures.

This is from Dawn's wedding shower, which happened to be during my vacation in Oburg at the end of June. That is absolutely as good as my hair gets. :)

These are the cats. They are both boys. Sometimes I take them to the vet for shots, and I can't believe how much it costs, and I think I'm throwing my money away.But they run to meet me when I get home from work, and when I flop on the couch they join me. I like having something else alive in my very quiet apartment. I also have two peace lilies and a geranium. Sooo tied down.

It's a rainy July evening. I'm listening to Norah Jones.
These are my choices. I didn't get cable along with my internet, because I'm afraid of being like that guy I met in Nashville, who told me he was lonely until he got cable in his apartment. That one on the bottom is REALLY stupid, don't ever read it. Guys, thanks for the suggestions.
Hey, I know I am foolish and emotional but yesterday was my first birth in 6 months, and it didn't rock. I was expecting it to. I don't know. I guess I'm still growing into this job. That's what I told myself at 3 am on the way back to the hospital.

I finally joined the gym. I had to make an appointment, then go to an hour long orientation. I needed something else to do, and I need to meet more people. I liked it because I saw my pastor's wife there, and a woman that I work with at the pool, and a Covenant grad works at the front desk. I felt sort of connected. Maybe I'll actually go sometimes. I met a little guy there who told me all about his recent divorce, daughter, and hope for reconciliation. I know he was younger than me. Poor guy. I didn't know what to say, because I didn't know him, and he was all oozing. I just nodded and listened.

In the morning I am going to go to the hospital again and discharge three postpartum patients. It's not actually a big deal but I'm nervous anyway, because I've never done it myself before. I need to go pray now before my brain is done.