Last night I was off call...finally

Yesterday afternoon was gorgeous, so after work I went up to Nicky and Steve's and we went to the park to play soccer and enjoy the weather.

Wim met us, he's in town on business this week. We all had ice cream. Mine was peach. I think his was walnut. Steve took like half an hour to pick his out, after he'd tasted everything. (I think he ended up with coconut almond chunk.)

James liked the soccer.

Steve and Nicky at Coolidge.

James was into the ice cream too, although he didn't really understand how to lick it out of a cone. He's more of a spoon man.

After James had to go to bed, I stopped by my old house. We played a really funny game. Donivan was making me laugh a lot.

April and I on the couch. I guess we were both getting a little tired.

So, that's probably enough pictures for now. Maybe I'll stick the rest of them on my facebook. I don't actually know how to get rid of all those weird spaces, so whatev.

The dress..because you asked.

This is the dress. Try to ignore the piles of clothes around me. I'm doing laundry today. More accurately, I'm doing laundry this week. :)

I'm going to wear it with these shoes. And a big fat necklace that I'm still working on.

shortness

Hey I had some blogging issues, but I think they're sorted out now. So I heard back yesterday, and you should just call me if you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm tentatively excited.

On Tuesday night I got my best news though: the Cheney's are coming down for Easter too! So we'll all get to be together on Easter again. I think Nicky should make me a dress. Just kidding...because I totally already have my Easter dress, I bought a dress last weekend to wear to all the summer weddings. I told that to someone who asked me if I seriously meant to wear the the same dress to all of them, like that was tacky or something, and I kind of didn't get it. It's a great dress. Umm, okay Linda's here now, I gotta go.

Still haven't heard back yet

Today was so beautiful and I had the afternoon off. It was brilliant. I went to Chattanooga and pushed James in a stroller at the park with Nicky, then she went to get a haircut and I got to babysit a little bit. So the two of us (James and I) are working on this hot chocolate outside a coffee shop when IA pops up (he works next door) and says "hey, give me a couple of minutes to finish what I'm doing and I'll come sit out here with you and enjoy the sun" or whatever. I felt sort of embarrassed like maybe he thought I planted myself out there so he would see me, which I most certainly did not....but whatev. Ten minutes later Nicky came back and was ready to go and we just left before he ever came back outside.

I guess I would've been okay with chatting for a little bit, but not talking at all? That's less confusing and complicated. I feel a little hopeful that we'll be normal friends someday, but right now I'm not in the mood to work on that. Sure I'll pray for him and say hi, but that's probably enough.

Anyways afterwards I drove back home and went to Spanish and it was pretty fun this week. Then I went to Krista's to watch American Idol, but geez, it was so boring. The boys are no good. A girl's gonna win this year.

Somewhere in there I ended up skipping dinner and now I'M STARVING. Yeah, like an orphan. I think I'll just go to bed though. I got two patients to round on in the morning. Guys, I had the busiest weekend ever, it was rough. I was at the hospital every day for hours, and every night I got called about patients, and by Sunday night I was like "are you kidding me?" because I had been there for like 8 hours straight, and had finally left, and then 3 hours later they called me about somebody else. However, my 95th birth rocked on Saturday, it was a really good one. That's as far as I am, 95. I'm going to make it into the triple digits this month!!! I think that's probably going to warrant a huge party, when it happens. I know before I said go out to dinner, but I think maybe 100 births? I should cook and invite everyone over and have a pinata and a karaoke bar or something. Be ready.

A sort of frustrating day, and some pictures of James

Here's some pictures of James. He got a haircut.

I was at his house last night to eat soup. It was a disgusting rainy day- the kind where you wake up to darkness and thunder and lightning, and Nicky made potato soup. It was a great idea. So I ate some, and we watched Marie Antoinette.

Here's what happened today. I got to work late (because I underestimated the time I needed at the hospital) and there was a note on my phone saying, "check your voicemail." On my voicemail were 3 annoying messages, the kind where the patients say, "I went to the pharmacy but my prescription wasn't there." So I had to call the different pharmacies and say "uh, yeah, those prescriptions I called in yesterday? I was serious about them." Then call the patients back and tell them that their stuff should be there now. It's actually not that annoying of a thing if it only happens once, but 3 times in a row??? I was irritated. It was a lame way to start the day off. CVS, guys. They sucked today. But luckily the morning didn't drag, and pretty soon I was back at the hospital. Eventually we did a c-section and then I went to the last part of the missions conference meeting tonight. I couldn't really handle it. It felt like forever long. Maybe I was just tired.

I'm on call again this weekend!! I'm switching weekends, so this is my second in a row. Feels a little harsh, but this way I'm off for Easter so I can stalk all those St. Louis people who are coming down. So that thing that was happening last Thursday? I still don't know about it.

Today I went to pay my rent, and I told my greasy, jewelry-wearing landlord that I would be leaving when my lease was up at the end of April. He said, "sorry, but you have to give me 30 days notice." And I said, "ummm? what?" but he still didn't get it, so I was like, "how about 60 days notice? Will that work for you?" and then he scratched his head and stared at my lease agreement for like 5 minutes. Then he goes, "well, I can only accept that in writing and on the first of the month." Then I knew he was trying to be a moron because the lease only says 60 days, it doesn't say the first of the month, so I pointed that out and asked for some paper. And I felt impatient and rude and pissy. Then he turned all friendly and was like, "all right, that's fine, I mean, I'm not trying to be a hard-ass or anything, you know that, right?" I didn't really get it. So I left. Whatev. I'm moving out in two months. To where, I don't know yet.

It's warmed up lately

It went good on Thursday guys. We'll see. But now it's Saturday and I gotta go round. I'm thinking I won't shower first. :)

Last night I was on call with no plans, so I did my taxes, finished my book about Alaska, ate spaghetti, paid bills and opened a new ING account. All that stuff actually took up the whole evening. It was okay. I've never done taxes before, but it wasn't bad. It looked like I was getting a big fat refund, but...we'll see. If I really get that much, I'm going to blow it on travel. I didn't go anywhere last year, not even to Washington. Maybe I'll go to surfing camp.

I saw Nicky on Thursday evening, it was fun and I took some cute pictures of her and James but unfortunately they're in my camera's internal memory and it won't copy them onto the memory card, so I can't put them up here. We went out to Mojo Burrito and had a good time, left when James started yelling and throwing stuff. But he lasted a good 45 minutes before that happened.

All right, I really have to go now.

Stripes (yellow ones)

Well so, last Friday I got my hair done. I wanted to get highlights but not crazy ones.

I don't know if you can tell from this picture, but these are crazy. I look blonde. And high maintenance. When it was all over the girl told me, "Just give it a week, and if you can't get used to it, come back and I'll fix it." I haven't decided yet. It looks okay, but definitely not like anything that would grow out of anybody's head, and it's the kind of thing I'll have to keep going back to get worked on regularly, so, eh. I don't know. Just in case you were wondering what was up with my hair lately.

Not a whole lot going on right now...well, kind of. Tomorrow's a big day. We'll see how it goes.

This last weekend I was off call and I went jeans shopping with April, and later we went out to the movies and saw that new Hugh Grant movie, it was good. Funny and not gross. Then I spent the night at my old house in Chatty and went to church with April on Sunday morning, which was good, interesting. I saw IA there and it was fine. He talked to me and it made me a little pissy but not sad at all, so I was glad about that. But I didn't really want to talk to him.

Valentine's Day was good, I liked it. I got a huge box from St. Louis, with tons of presents and letters and everything and I was REALLY excited. And I got a box from my Mom with all kinds of good stuff in it, way to go Mom, I'm still working on the chocolates, I eat one every day on my way out the door to work, right after I brush my teeth. So I didn't feel pathetic and unspecial at all, actually.

Now I'm just excited that there's only a week left in February. I hate this month.

Today it was warm outside, like 70 degrees, and so I drove up to Chatt. again and walked around at Coolidge for a long time with Rachel, which was so cool. Then I came back and watched American Idol at Krista's house. She's a lady I work with, (married with 2 older daughters) and I've been going over there almost every week to watch it with her and her family. It's been fun so far. I feel like I'm starting to like my life a little more lately.

So that's the update. Pray for me about my thing tomorrow afternoon, guys. I'm not nervous but it's important to me, and I want it to be awesome.

Oh one more thing: I'm on call this weekend, and I think it's going to be slow. In other words, if you've been wanting to see me lately, you should definitely come down, because I'm stuck here. Yep.

Oreos

So today I haven't been avoiding my couch all that successfully. I've got a fresh stack of library books and a bunch of oreos and a little bit of a funk brewing. Today I went to lunch with Elaine (my token Dalton friend) at this redneck restaurant and then I came home all full of fried-ness and wanting a nap. But I read, instead (another book about Alaska) and then by some miracle got myself to English class even though I did not want to go. I'm saying it like that because the other day, a guy that I sort of know was at my house going on and on about what he was good at. Then I think he must have felt embarrassed because there was a long pause (what was I supposed to say?) and he was like, "and what about you? what are you good at?" So I told him that I was good at making myself do stuff that I didn't want to do. I know! Doesn't that make me sound fascinating? Ha! well actually I was just trying to list as many things as he did, so as not to sound low self-esteemish, like, "oh gosh, I don't know--I can't think of anything"--which is of course the first thing that came to mind.

In case you're wondering, nothing's going on with IA, that stupid boy. All the stupid boys I've ever known get initials. They're not always mean initials, though. Anyhow he called me last night so he could apologize for some dumb stuff, so I corrected him and told him what he should be apologizing for, and he was like, "uh yeah. And that too." I sort of felt as if I should be apologizing back, but I couldn't think of anything to apologize for, and I was pissed that he had called and pissed that I had answered, so I kept my mouth shut. It was a fairly brief conversation. Anyways I only answered because I had just finished watching this movie about a strong black woman who divorced her husband because he was a total loser and was all strong and cool and moved on about it, and I was feeling sort of like, you know. A strong black woman. Right.

So whatev, here I am on my couch with my oreos, and things are fine, and I'm glad I got my butt out and went to English class so I could practice saying "Nice to meet you" with a bunch of Mexicans and Guatemalans at church. Because it's kind of fun once I get there. And all the students had brought dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day. There were like a million kinds of potato salad and ham salad and chicken salad and fruit salad, so I ate that stuff and it was good. I wish I had eaten more because now I'm hungry again.

it's really okay...

Wanted to follow up on that last cryptic and slightly depressing post...
Things are still fine. I'm still being busy, I'm hanging out with different people every night, avoiding my couch and journal, generally not thinking too hard except for when I'm at work.

Here's a picture of Dad and Linda and I this weekend. I'm getting my hair cut again next week. It's time.

I got some almost good news yesterday. But I shouldn't post it. You can call me if you want to hear about it.

Dumb stuff

This is what I think: he's not actually trying to mess with my head, he just doesn't think before acting. And that's as charitable as I can get right now. I'm really irritated. It feels like I keep stapling him into a box and he stays there for a week or so, and I start to forget about it, and then he pops out and I have to go look for the stapler again. I guess I could probably actually be mean instead of merely unwelcoming. I'm sick of it though. It doesn't feel tragic in a novel way anymore. It feels like an unoriginal crappy story that belongs in a dumb girl's life. Anyways, who staples boxes? Of course on some level the attention is nice, but this attention makes me feel like I'm eating skittles when I'm hungry for lunch.
I'm going to bed.

Things are otherwise okay. Up to 86 babies. Tomorrow's a half day. I'm still wearing the big coat. Dad came up this weekend and went on and on about how great I was. Really tired--Wednesdays are our busiest days in the office--and today I had tons of patients and a birth in the middle of it all-- and afterwards I drove up to Chattanooga to watch American Idol and hang out with the old roommates. So maybe I should stop thinking and go to sleep.

I'm ok.

Life is okay guys, don't worry about me too much. I am trying to be very busy, and so far I have been. I want to be distracted. I was on call this weekend and had 4 deliveries. That's decently busy, and they were all during the daytime, so that was cool, and I made plans in the evenings to be with people. And then last night for the first time I saw that one who was taking up space in my head, and he was so unambiguously uninterested (and "doing so great!") that it hurt my feelings. I guess I was hoping my absence had caused a little pain. But that actually helps a lot, because it is kind of hard for me to sustain any sort of wistfulness about a relationship when the other party could care less. So yeah. Whatev. On to the next, taw taw. I'm just going to keep buying myself flowers and fancy ice cream.

Today it was so cold that I got to wear my Oxford coat, the long one, which was fun. I still hate cold weather.

Linda's coming to see me tonight so one of the cars driving by is actually going to be for me this time.

January needs to end

I'm watching American Idol. I saw 25, maybe 26 patients today and I feel all used up. I don't actually know if that's a respectable amount to be exhausted by, but I am. Today at lunch I bought some Doritos out of the machine, but they wouldn't come out, so I was throwing myself against the vending machine and then the office manager saw me and laughed and called me a waif and hit it once and it fell out. I think I was just doing it wrong.

Disconnected

I just paid my bills. I have $100 in my bank account now. I think I'm doing something wrong. At least I get paid Thursday.

Every time I hear a car drive by, I get all hopeful that someone is coming to see me. So I either put music on or leave the house.

Yesterday was cold and rainy all day, and I built a fire in my fireplace and read a whole book.

I need a new vacuum cleaner. Mine doesn't suck anymore.

I ate a giant sandwich for dinner. The bread was kind of scratchy. I couldn't finish it all.

You know how I said I wasn't dying? I sort of am today.

It's January, and I want to go to Lake Tahoe with Dawn next month, but tickets to CA are like $400.

I have to be at the hospital so early tomorrow morning!!! So why am I still awake?!

Saturday morning in the carpet capital

This is all the girls at the Bechtel's house after church. That's why April and Rachel are so dressed up. The middle picture is me and Chris at the Anheuser-Busch brewery. (edit--um, I don't know what happened to that picture...I was trying to get rid of the extra spaces and I deleted it and now it won't go back. Maybe I can post it separately.)

So I got cable yesterday, guys. Mostly because I want to see American Idol and the Office. Anyways, I watched an hour of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was totally sucked in by the commercials for the shows that were coming on in the next few hours...then I turned it off and went to go see Nicky in Chattanooga. She and James and I went out to Panera and then we watched some of this show called Wives and Daughters that she got from Netflix.

Here's something weird. This morning my neighbors got up around nine, went downstairs, and started watching a suspenseful movie. I can hear them now.

I'm still nervous about becoming like that guy in Nashville, the one who said he was lonely when he moved there until he got cable. Because it was really fun to watch tv. I didn't think about anything...I didn't think about my patients, or what to eat for dinner, or where I'm going to live when my lease is up this May, or if I should try to get a different job, or that guy and how he hasn't called, or how I'm getting older and don't actually like my life that much right now. It was like checking out. Maybe I should just try not to freak out so much when I'm awake.

I was reading my archives this morning, and I feel like things are so different from what they were a year ago, when I first graduated. I've been a midwife for a year. I've lived alone in a new city for 8 months now. I've gotten to the place where I don't feel nervous going into a birth anymore. I feel like I'm ready for a new challenge.

And that's the way it is

I've spent the last two evenings reading that Alaska book on my couch, with Stan Getz playing in the background (not too invasive, but prevents me from feeling like I am just...alone with the heater and the refrigerator around for company.) It was a good book, entertaining in spite of its lamentable cover. The woman acts like an idiot occasionally, particularly in regards to her boyfriend, but its mostly a lot of good stories about being on a boat and fishing and running a lodge in Alaska. When I finished I wanted to send it to someone. It's kind of similar to Mrs. Mike.

I bought it and another book on Thursday last week. I also bought myself some non-carnation grocery store flowers to put in my new vase from the Cheneys.
I'm sort of sad right now because someone who was previously taking up a lot of space in my life/head now is not. Because I told him not to anymore. Again. Yeah. So it's okay, our conversation really couldn't have gone any better than it did, I'm just disappointed. It feels kind of like when you are about to get sick, when you feel all right during the day- and then sort of crappy in the mornings and evenings. I'm not dying. I didn't let myself really get my hopes up this time, I was a little more careful, but okay, it still sucks. I know I'm being vague. I don't want to say more about it.

Work's been going okay. It's getting easier. I had my 78th birth today after work. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did at first, and most of the hard kind of patients I have now I've dealt with a few times before, so I have a better idea of how to take care of them. One thing that's helped a lot is that the medical assistants have started putting people's weird complaints on post-it notes to me on the chart rather than actually writing it in the chart. If a complaint is actually written in the chart I have to address it and put closure on it somehow, which sucks if its something ridiculous like left-sided bellybutton numbness or something that sounds like a big deal at first, like, "heart problems" and then I ask them more questions and it turns out that they've felt their heart beating really fast when they got stressed at work a couple of times. Right.

The truth is, I was tired at 7:30 tonight when I got home from church. I just made myself stay up longer because I'm 25 and not actually a viejita yet.

Tico is 17 today!

Hi guys,
Here's the update: I'm back in Dalton, in my scrubs, on call for the weekend again. I went to St. Louis to see all those favorites last weekend, it was really fun. Every time I go I wonder why I haven't made more of an effort to live near them. I don't even really care if we are doing stuff, I just like to sit around with them. Good times.

When I got home on Sunday night, Linda was just pulling into my driveway (she was coming back to school). She brought Christie with her. She's been here all week with me, so that's been cool. We've been going out to eat and going shopping and watching movies and stuff. We saw Little Miss Sunshine on Tuesday, I think I liked it...still not sure. I would certainly recommend it if you haven't seen it, I just don't know if I would want to watch it again.

I got a book at the used book store called Fox Island Stories, about a woman who breaks up with her boyfriend and moves to Alaska to work at a wilderness lodge. Sounds kind of fun, right? And it has a stupid looking cover so I was feeling all nonshallow and proud of myself for getting past that. Well so far it's been sort of dumb. It's nonfiction, so I can't really complain, but the first thing she does in Alaska is meet some "rugged fisherman" guy and move in with him in his cute A-frame house. Hardly a story of roughing it and doing something interesting with your loneliness, right? But anyways I'm only on page 24 so I am able to maintain some optimism about the book as a whole. (Just in case you were nervous about that)

I hate January. I'm feeling sort of yucky for lots of reasons. I need to make some plan, because right now I have nothing to look forward to, besides being off call so I can get the heck out of town again. Maybe I'll go to Nashville next weekend. Or Atlanta. Or New York. Well, Christie's just sitting here, so I need to take her out now.

Cruise pictures

Um, okay, so I haven't blogged in like a month. Don't think that it's because anything's going on, friends, because it isn't. :)

I have been sort of busier lately, which is really good, I like that. Last weekend I had a coding conference in Atlanta, and the weekend before I went to Lessons and Carols in Sewanee with my grandfather. This is really the first weekend evening in awhile that I've had without plans or people to hang out with, and it's okay this time. I've been sort of tired all day for no reason, and I'm in the mood to take a bath, burn some candles, write in my journal, and go to bed early.

I'm feeling like I need a change. Like I want to move apartments, or move cities, or just have a different schedule for awhile. Last week Jason helped me rearrange my living room, which was good, but I think I want more change than that.

Have I not said anything at all about the cruise yet? It was fun. Christie and I stayed together, and I actually brought enough clothes this time, and I kind of had a cold the whole time but it was still lovely not to be working for an entire week. And not to have to plan meals for myself. Here's some pictures. They kind of went in weird, so I couldn't caption them all. You guys know who everyone is, though.

Christie's so pretty!

Tico and I

Tico's genius face.

you must not know about me

I got my hair cut again. The girl cut a lot off. Because I told her too. But relax, there was a lot there. And I got bangs, the annoying kind. Right now it looks so good, but it might be another mushroom, we'll see. I tried to take a picture of myself but I just look used up with really good hair. Guess it was sort of a hard week. You can see it on my cruise pictures when I get back.
* I know!! How will you ever wait?!!*

Guys I'll be on the cruise in 48 hours. eeeeeee!

This is a picture of me and Tami. It was taken last weekend. Not Jan. 1st. She came in town for like 5 seconds. Mostly just to tease me and make me taste coffee again. We had fun. I'm not sure, actually, why I have such a big face.

Soooo, the plan for tonight was to stay in and watch my Netflix videos, and process some things that are in the back of my head, and perhaps begin to pack. Unfortunately, something is wrong with the sound on my DVD and everyone's voice is all slow and creepy, and coming out 2 seconds after their mouths move. Of course I'm not REALLY going to pack this early, but I don't really want my Friday night event to be thinking, so here I am distracting myself. Don't you hate it how there has to even be a Friday night "event"? There's way more pressure than with a Tuesday night or something.

I was going to watch a movie with a friend but we moved it to yesterday because today I was inducing this girl, and I had a feeling she would take all night. She was delivered by 8:30 this morning, so uh, yeah. About those feelings I have. They were wrong.

This afternoon we saw patients, even though we never see patients on Friday afternoons, just to try and make up time with the holidays and me being out all next week. People in the office did favors for me all day, I don't know why, but it was fabulous. Maybe because of my new hair. Nancy saw one of my patients so I could eat lunch when I was so starving, and then she took a later lunch. The doctor did an entire new patient visit for me, and Judy helped Maritza find the missing charts she needed so I could leave.

Then I went to the hospital, broke this other lady's water, and watched El Gordo y la Flaca with her until she started getting all pushy. She was one of those ones who moves her baby fast, and she tried to push the head out while I was putting my gloves on, and the nurse was yelling at me to hurry up, and I delivered the baby with my pinky not all the way in the glove yet. That feels so annoying. The pinky, not the fast delivery. I love those. Afterwards I offered her some jugo de oveja. I meant to say grape juice, but then they started laughing at me, and so I tried purple juice, and they were like, "OH, uva!" and then I knew I was an idiot.
My Spanish, guys. It's awesome. Have some sheep juice. You've worked hard.

You know that Irreplaceable song by Beyonce? Of course you do. I think it's mean. But at least she's hot.

Here's some unsolicited advice that I'm giving you, because I'm giving it to myself tonight. If you're tired and it's been a long week, you shouldn't try to stay up late and force yourself to make important decisions. You should just flop around and call your uncomplicated friends and read dumb books and work on your eyebrows.


Here's me and Linda at Olive Garden last week. She doesn't usually smile like that, but you know, she was hungry.

Fall over here

Most of those were pictures from Susan's wedding. She got married last weekend to a guy named Justin, who is wearing an orange shirt in one of the pictures, but actually wore a tuxedo at his wedding. They are going to live 15 minutes away from me, in Calhoun, and get used to my face. Emily and Peter both came down for the wedding, the 3 of us had a good time together. The wedding was fun, too. Emily and I were in it, we wore dresses with really tight armholes. I caught the bouquet, because I dove for it and grabbed it away from some little girls. Just kidding, that's not cool.

Lately I've been less excited about births, but my 55th one was a really great one. It surprised me because this particular couple had been so irritating during her pregnancy, like tons of problems, going to the ER for dumb stuff, calling all the time, refusing to use over the counter treatments because Medicaid wouldn't pay for them, and ignoring my recommendations. But in labor her epidural stopped working, so we got it redosed and that didn't help, so she was basically on her own. She had one freak out, I-can't-do-this episode, but then she closed her eyes, grabbed her mom's hand and her husband's hand, and got it together. She pushed really effectively, and her husband was a decent coach, and I had to make a couple of decisions quickly and they were all the right ones.

At the end the baby's heart rate dropped down low so I cut an episiotomy and told the mom to push harder. (I don't think I'll ever get used to episiotomies. It feels wrong to use scissors to cut someone's skin.) And the cord was around the baby's neck but it wasn't that tight so I was able to slip it off before the rest delivered. I got the baby out fast and she started crying right away, so I put her on the pts. chest instead of handing her to the nursery nurse. That sort of pisses them off I think, because the nursery nurse is just standing there, waiting to get apgars and footprints and examine the baby...but those first moments look pretty unforgettable, so maybe it's worth it. Afterwards I was sewing for almost an hour-bleh. I was proud of myself because the doctor didn't show up until after the placenta was out, and I had it under control. Even when she started to bleed a lot, I remembered what to do and got it to stop. So it was cool. God knows what I need, and it was refreshing to be encouraged in my work.

So that noise. I just looked out my door. Four houses away, someone is washing their car with Spanish rap music playing. It sounds kind of sing-song-y and teasing.

Here's some pictures